"Release" Mar 26, 07

Sometimes you have to let go of what you are holding onto to take hold of whats before you....

Life's questions... one's left to wonder.....

The smoltering heat of a broken AC is taking affect on my brain. I'm restless, the sheep ran off & left me to fend for myself on the fence. So I sit twiddling my thumbs wishing for a cool breeze or some really strong Ambien.

hah.

"Losing My Grip" Mar 27,07

I heard your messages, the sound of those songs woke my emotions, the sound of your silent tears in the background opened my heart. I heard your voice shaking in the words you spoke. I am listening, I am here. I have always been though you have failed to look & see. I cannot deny what my heart tells me, wiether it's wrong or right. You tore down the barricades no man could pass for so long & there you have stayed, safely behind them with me even when I tried to push you out.

"Another night follows the dayLike a child does to its mother

And everywhere I look I see your faceOn the face of others

And I can't escape the pain

Through all the questions I went through

I never told myself the truth

I turned my back on you and me

Cuz I was scared to sayThat we weren't who we used to be

I feel an emptiness inside

A part of me already died

But I pretend that you go onLike everything's okay

Then all we built begins to fall

As I began to lose it all

Shut my eyes to set me free

Cuz I was scared to say That we weren't who we used to be
So now I'm Trying hard to let goLet you go

But I can't seem toLoosen my grip..."

-Losing My Grip-Hoobastank

Push & Pull, Like a mad game of tug-o-war, my heart can't take it & I know yours can't either. We need to end this madness, choose a path & take it.

I am listening, tell me what it is you want to say. tell me what it is you need, tell me that you love me or tell me goodbye. Tell me the truth thats inside, keep me or set me free.

I want time to stop standing still, My life has to go on.....

with or without you.

"To the Limits" Mar 24,07

Why do you insist on pusing & pulling my emotions in so many directions & ways?? Can't you see it's hurting me, it's hurting us? What's the point? Does it make you feel more like a man? more in control of the one thing you will never really grasp too tightly?

Haven't you heard that song "Hold on losely, but don't let go.. If you cling to tightly you're going to lose control??"

Honestly I dont know how much more my heart can take. The wreckage that is left is becoming hardly salvagable anymore. It's almost so pointless it's petty.
Please stop before you ruin what we could have & did have.

"Blow it away" Mar 06,07

Please, find it in your heart to forgive me like I forgave you. It's possible with the love that we share, it's possible for us to move on and make this something good.. it's been so misunderstood for so long now.

Please try.

"Finally." March 05,2007

I can't wait!! I will be going up to IL next month to see my sailor, so many question will be answered and I can finally either move foward or plan for the future. IT's about time.

" I can see clearly" Feb 27,2007

..Now the rain is gone, I can see all obsticles in my way-
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind....

Just when I thought all my prayers had gone unnoticed the Great Man in the Sky has finally showed me the plan he's had for me all long. My good friend Kraffty was always telling me "You have to experience darkness before a sunrise" and he couldn't have been more right. The darkness is finally lifting and I can see the beams of light comming over the horizon.

It's going to be a bright, bright sun shiny day....

Thank you everyone who has been there and supported me during this time of doubt. It means the world to me to know that I am loved and I have people who care and are supportive. You know I will always be there for you too.

With Much Love,
Mandy

"My Friends" Feb 19,2007

Where to begin..

I owe so many people an appology for words I left unsaid, things I've left undone that I don't even know where to begin. I've been a fool these past few months, tangled in the deceiptions of a life that wasn't me. I hid from what mattered most and I let the little things that didn't take over.

I'm sorry.

Words can only go so far & it's the actions that speak louder. I'm turning off the road I've been on & never going down it again. Time to close a chapter & start a new.

I hope that I haven't lost the ones that matter the most in the wirlwinds of this mess I've made, & I hope that they are stil l there stand by me as they always have.