Murky Waters. May 20,07

"I told myself I won't miss you
but I remember what it feels like beside you...."

I am a hypocrite for saying "you can never heal if you never put down the knife that cuts you" because I myself, never put down mine from years ago. Its still there, cutting into my palms day in, day out.. a constant reminder of a time HE was still there. HE still cared, HE told me HE loved me & always would.
What a Lie.
Like a song stuck on replay it fades in & out. Just when I thought I would forget the tune gets louder & some fragment of thought reminds me.

I took a trip to the lake yesterday, the first time without HIM, the first time since those days..years ago. Despite the clear skies & the warm wind in my face it felt like a hole had been ripped inside me again. Ripping and tearing the entire day, I fought back the tears and any indications to my family that I was hurting.
A hurt so bad I couldn't breathe.

I thought you were gone? I thought I had moved way way beyond you.
I thought wrong.
So many questions rushed through my mind.

Do you think of me at all?
Does the clear skies and the warm wind remind you of our days together?
or was I just a past time for you.. a mere passer by?
I suppose I will never know....