Shell Shock.-Nov 12,08

Hermitting can be one's worst enemy esp when the shell becomes dark, damp and lonely.

I've been Diagnosed with "Mixed Bipolar" and these past few months have been a never ending ride of testing drugs, relationships, and myself.

Surely, having a mental disorder isn't as bad off as some, but it hasn't been easy realizing and surcoming to the reality of it all. I can't control my own feelings. what the hell?

I know I will get through this because I keep in mind a close friend named Amber who got through the worst and is still going like a champ. She is my motivation, such as others who have overcome their given obstacles.

I didn't choose to be this way, nor did I ever think everything would turn so gray in a blink of an eye. It's torn all relationships to pieces, all trust broken, and now everyone is watching my every move wondering when I will just "snap out of it".

I'm thankful my mother finally went with me to see my Doctor and it was then when she was told the complications of it all that she finally was the first to realize it isn't something I can just shake like the rest.

My own sisters do not trust, my brother in law is angry with me, and my own husband still refuses to understand despite the multiple attempts to get him to take in the real information. I've been put on drug after drug ,Most of which made me a numb, helpless zombie and I've been off work since sept 3rd. My self image has been chizzled to that close to none and I have no sense of accomplishment. (however you spell it)

Right now I need support, I need help finding myself and I feel as if I'm getting only cold stares, turned backs, and angry comments.

I don't understand why this had to happen now, but everything happens for a reason right? I can only hope that reason will soon reveal itself.....