I'm done.
DONE. DONE. KA-PUTT.
My fingers feel like they just participated in a copy paste marathon. holly moley.
Now it's time to start a new, with all the old in place.
Ofcourse watch my account get deleted for too much junk. my luck.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Eyes of Blue.-Jan 02,09
Eyes of Blue,
Hide a world behind,
Curious, Interesting, Uniquie it's mind
Eyes of Blue,
Do not lie, look within, look into truth
For Numbers hide a child like youth,
Eyes of Blue
Holding all things back
Holding onto nothing, a silence of lack
Blue are these eyes, Blue is inside
not of sadness nor of pride
Blue is passion, not hate or snide-
Passer By you must'ent be
Wonderous are those eyes, wonderous like me
Look into these eyes, these eyes of Blue,
Look more beyond, beyond what looking back at you.....
Hide a world behind,
Curious, Interesting, Uniquie it's mind
Eyes of Blue,
Do not lie, look within, look into truth
For Numbers hide a child like youth,
Eyes of Blue
Holding all things back
Holding onto nothing, a silence of lack
Blue are these eyes, Blue is inside
not of sadness nor of pride
Blue is passion, not hate or snide-
Passer By you must'ent be
Wonderous are those eyes, wonderous like me
Look into these eyes, these eyes of Blue,
Look more beyond, beyond what looking back at you.....
Drift (gesichtslos)
Life is like a clock, continually tick-tocking the time away. Time that can never be given back, but only taken and used or abused.
Thoughts are freedom, freedom from the physical reality of what we are. what we've become.
I often wonder if I've fallen short, wasted talent, wasted time, under estimated my own capabilities.
As I sit here, being insulted by a mere customer of "how boring my job must be." even as petty as he is for saying it, it really hits home.
What am I doing?
What am I acomplishing?
I am just an annonimous number on a governmental chart. A face amoung millions. A personality who tries to spread laughter, make others feel better, feel self worth while I alone feel worthless.
There's a fire burning, flamming wildly within me, yurning to spring loose of the monotony. Break free of the sterotypical life I've so blindingly settled for.....
Thoughts are freedom, freedom from the physical reality of what we are. what we've become.
I often wonder if I've fallen short, wasted talent, wasted time, under estimated my own capabilities.
As I sit here, being insulted by a mere customer of "how boring my job must be." even as petty as he is for saying it, it really hits home.
What am I doing?
What am I acomplishing?
I am just an annonimous number on a governmental chart. A face amoung millions. A personality who tries to spread laughter, make others feel better, feel self worth while I alone feel worthless.
There's a fire burning, flamming wildly within me, yurning to spring loose of the monotony. Break free of the sterotypical life I've so blindingly settled for.....
Blue Dude.-Dec 18,08
Sometimes words flow like a shook up keg, other times it's like straining noodles. Today I've had no problem letting the inner be revealed by the outer. Good? maybe. Bad? Maybe so.
all depends on the ear of the beholder. haha.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time, go back to certain days or memories and re-live them just one more time. Maybe done some things different and done without others. I suppose that is the whole purpose of life. "you screwed up! sucks for you!" oh well. hells bells. grab a wad of chocolate and move on.
A neverending game of musical chairs, or a cake walk. see what flavor you end up with next... "dude! you got gradma's cake, that suuuucks! sorry man!"
While everyone else is caught up in the holiday cheer, I'm ready to holiday steer (away from the mess.) traffic is like waiting for a parking space in a one space parking lot. and slower than those creepy crawlers goop down your window.
Speaking of I remember the time I flung one of those suckers in the grand enterance at my poppy's house and nailed the very top corner, (2 ceilings high) he about killed me because no one could reach it. So we simply had to watch it's ever slowing progress as it inched down the wall, til finally 2 years later that sucker hit the floor. I remember many holidays checking on the blue dude. haha.
What all this babling boils down to, is that no matter what i've down, I dont give a crap about what people think of it or of me.
so nanner. nanner.
all depends on the ear of the beholder. haha.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time, go back to certain days or memories and re-live them just one more time. Maybe done some things different and done without others. I suppose that is the whole purpose of life. "you screwed up! sucks for you!" oh well. hells bells. grab a wad of chocolate and move on.
A neverending game of musical chairs, or a cake walk. see what flavor you end up with next... "dude! you got gradma's cake, that suuuucks! sorry man!"
While everyone else is caught up in the holiday cheer, I'm ready to holiday steer (away from the mess.) traffic is like waiting for a parking space in a one space parking lot. and slower than those creepy crawlers goop down your window.
Speaking of I remember the time I flung one of those suckers in the grand enterance at my poppy's house and nailed the very top corner, (2 ceilings high) he about killed me because no one could reach it. So we simply had to watch it's ever slowing progress as it inched down the wall, til finally 2 years later that sucker hit the floor. I remember many holidays checking on the blue dude. haha.
What all this babling boils down to, is that no matter what i've down, I dont give a crap about what people think of it or of me.
so nanner. nanner.
Sleigh what??-Dec 16,08
I'm listening to some 80's new wave song that sounds like a black New Kids on the Block that keep saying "sleigh ride." I wish they'd ride that sleigh of theirs right off the speakers.
somebody shoot me.
or give me a pair of parashoot pants, crazy velcro sneaks and let me loose on the showroom turned dance floor so I can hump the plants and greenery to the beat. (ya know, break out the Beavis & Butthead moves)
yeah buddy.
haha. not really.
somebody shoot me.
or give me a pair of parashoot pants, crazy velcro sneaks and let me loose on the showroom turned dance floor so I can hump the plants and greenery to the beat. (ya know, break out the Beavis & Butthead moves)
yeah buddy.
haha. not really.
Bagged Cats.-Dec 16,08
Monday, Monday, such a fun day...
There was a 2 hour delay this morning on the freeway, turns out it was only a onlookers to a really, really bad accident. Brand new BMW obliterated. sad. Seeing things like that makes you think about yourself and the probability of it being you. yikes. never know.
I feel re-newed, re-freshed from a wonderful weekend and a time- needy salvage of a broken relationship. feels as if the weight bar was finally lifted off my weary, half beaten shoulders.
Thank God.
Perhaps loosing faith I lost touch of what mattered. Myself and my own feelings and conveying these in true light instead of keeping it bottled for a rainy day. Now all cats are out and playing instead of clawing at that darn bag. whew.
There was a 2 hour delay this morning on the freeway, turns out it was only a onlookers to a really, really bad accident. Brand new BMW obliterated. sad. Seeing things like that makes you think about yourself and the probability of it being you. yikes. never know.
I feel re-newed, re-freshed from a wonderful weekend and a time- needy salvage of a broken relationship. feels as if the weight bar was finally lifted off my weary, half beaten shoulders.
Thank God.
Perhaps loosing faith I lost touch of what mattered. Myself and my own feelings and conveying these in true light instead of keeping it bottled for a rainy day. Now all cats are out and playing instead of clawing at that darn bag. whew.
Time Out.-Dec 13,08
Sitting in boredom sometimes leads to self reflection. Which to my neverending cycle of a mind can be quite the race for a cure.
I sometimes wonder if too much can be said, or ponder on the fact of which is worse: too much or too little. Sharing too much can be over endulging the public and sharing to little can leave you with no conversation at all.
Perhaps I should find a happy medium no? But when have you (ever) seen me settle in one spot long enough to figure something out. hah. (like telling a terets kid to sit in the silent time out. not happening)
Maybe I should go sit in time out, dunce hat and all...
& figure it out. Some say life is short. but really, a day seems long and I am in no hurry.
I sometimes wonder if too much can be said, or ponder on the fact of which is worse: too much or too little. Sharing too much can be over endulging the public and sharing to little can leave you with no conversation at all.
Perhaps I should find a happy medium no? But when have you (ever) seen me settle in one spot long enough to figure something out. hah. (like telling a terets kid to sit in the silent time out. not happening)
Maybe I should go sit in time out, dunce hat and all...
& figure it out. Some say life is short. but really, a day seems long and I am in no hurry.
Dear Mouth.-Dec 13,08
Sometimes you run like Forest Gump, and never stop.
You mumble, mutter, squakle, and stutter.
You leave a mess behind & make The Face turn beat red.
knock it off.
You see, sometimes Mouth, you get me into too much trouble.
Love,
Me.
You mumble, mutter, squakle, and stutter.
You leave a mess behind & make The Face turn beat red.
knock it off.
You see, sometimes Mouth, you get me into too much trouble.
Love,
Me.
These Bones, These Bones.-Dec 06,08
these dry bones..da da da la la le lu la... however that goes.
I'm literally a bag of bones. From a healthy 125 I am now 117. Not good. I can't keep much down, not even a cracker. I mean give me a break here or something. Throw me a bone. oh wait, I've got plenty of those, never mind.
I'm literally a bag of bones. From a healthy 125 I am now 117. Not good. I can't keep much down, not even a cracker. I mean give me a break here or something. Throw me a bone. oh wait, I've got plenty of those, never mind.
Oh my, my.-Dec 05,08
I can't put one thing in without it comming out the otherside.
needless to say, the past few days have been rather explosive.
(I know you were dying to read that, I probably just wasted a few mintues of your day. suuuccckkkaaaaaS! jk)
needless to say, the past few days have been rather explosive.
(I know you were dying to read that, I probably just wasted a few mintues of your day. suuuccckkkaaaaaS! jk)
Funny People.-Dec 02,08
So there's a contest going on saying to describe yourself in 100 words or less to which the funniest will get to have a walk on part in a COMEDY movie. holly batman britches I want it like my palmerian wants to hump legs.
So I got my 100 words to be exact, atleast that's what microsoft word told me. & I think it's rather spiffy and just might have a chance. I mean heck I got you guys reading my little diddies and laughing ( i think..) haha.
So I got my 100 words to be exact, atleast that's what microsoft word told me. & I think it's rather spiffy and just might have a chance. I mean heck I got you guys reading my little diddies and laughing ( i think..) haha.
Oh my chit-zoo.-Dec 01,08
How awkwardly strange working as the front man of a dealership can be. I am (currently as I am writing) being hit on by an India man.(to which here I say I have NO problem with India People) Oh my. He's quite the cat with words.
Opening words, as he slyly, (or so he thought) paced up and down my desk. "You should Go for coffee on weekend with me."
(of course with a very thick "jew want a Slurpee accent." to which I had to ask him several times what the heck he meant.
(and this is when being married and having a ring comes in handy) and I simply said "oh no, my husband wouldn't like that" and flashed my bling bling in the fry lights that bake upon my desk.
Now I thought that would just about be an XY-see yourself away from me conversation but he paced on.
Again he leaned in closer "you could just tell him you go get coffee"
So this time I implied the words NO quite heavily. Thicker than whip cream on nanna pudding. But obviously not thick enough for this turban wearing jockey strap. On he passed, and on my heart raced wondering were the hell my coworker was who dumped this bo-zo off in front of my desk.
As if the situation wasn't awkward enough he continued
"where you go around here to find women? You know ones like me."
Uhhhh, how the heck was I suppose to answer that, knowing there arn't any creep clubs this side the Mississippi.
" What country do you tink' I am from?" he then asked, pacing even faster.
I almost felt like pulling the fire alarm and ducking for cover. Dude this guy might be sporting Bomb-of the-looms.
Uneasily I replied " India?"
He passed a bit more and in his thick musty accent said "ah, you got it right. You don't think I am Mexican. good. very good."
By now I am really wishing my coworker would hurry his arse back to "his clients" that seem to be like moths to the flame. good greif.
Somedays really are mundays. and this day was a Someday I had to be ruffled up like a defensive turkey. Yes, to answer your question, he is still here, but has retreated to the window in front of me and is now squaking with his pal and still slyly smiling at me. I just know at times like this you have to be primitive, no eye contact, sit up straight and puff your chest out, well wait, that might not be good for a female...maybe suck your chest in, (yeah, that might work better), foof your hair up and stand your ground.
oie vay.
**To which now I disclose I am not completely biased, or raciest at that, just Leary like the rest of creepy people**
Opening words, as he slyly, (or so he thought) paced up and down my desk. "You should Go for coffee on weekend with me."
(of course with a very thick "jew want a Slurpee accent." to which I had to ask him several times what the heck he meant.
(and this is when being married and having a ring comes in handy) and I simply said "oh no, my husband wouldn't like that" and flashed my bling bling in the fry lights that bake upon my desk.
Now I thought that would just about be an XY-see yourself away from me conversation but he paced on.
Again he leaned in closer "you could just tell him you go get coffee"
So this time I implied the words NO quite heavily. Thicker than whip cream on nanna pudding. But obviously not thick enough for this turban wearing jockey strap. On he passed, and on my heart raced wondering were the hell my coworker was who dumped this bo-zo off in front of my desk.
As if the situation wasn't awkward enough he continued
"where you go around here to find women? You know ones like me."
Uhhhh, how the heck was I suppose to answer that, knowing there arn't any creep clubs this side the Mississippi.
" What country do you tink' I am from?" he then asked, pacing even faster.
I almost felt like pulling the fire alarm and ducking for cover. Dude this guy might be sporting Bomb-of the-looms.
Uneasily I replied " India?"
He passed a bit more and in his thick musty accent said "ah, you got it right. You don't think I am Mexican. good. very good."
By now I am really wishing my coworker would hurry his arse back to "his clients" that seem to be like moths to the flame. good greif.
Somedays really are mundays. and this day was a Someday I had to be ruffled up like a defensive turkey. Yes, to answer your question, he is still here, but has retreated to the window in front of me and is now squaking with his pal and still slyly smiling at me. I just know at times like this you have to be primitive, no eye contact, sit up straight and puff your chest out, well wait, that might not be good for a female...maybe suck your chest in, (yeah, that might work better), foof your hair up and stand your ground.
oie vay.
**To which now I disclose I am not completely biased, or raciest at that, just Leary like the rest of creepy people**
Little Ditty Do.-Dec 01,08
Ironically as I read responses about publishing my old el' bloggo there's a little ditty of a song playing in the background singing "someday some way la la la". Funny, could be a sign, my karma through a speaker.
Needless to say we all have our dirt, our woa is me's, and our triumphs. So what would make mine different than anyone elses? The fact that I'm willing to make mine public? As if the tablods haven't covered that aspect in every angle and crevus of it's grueling subjects. Poor fellas, You can't help but feel bad for those guys. Constantly barraged by cameras and heartless writters and editors. I suppose I should be thankful that when I stub a toe or fall down a few flights of stairs I don't have them running after me and headling my bruised up bum. (hehe, would be funny though!) "Clumst Lady trips on flat surface, what a secptical!!"
Blah, Blah, yah, yah. So here I sit. Thinking on it. Really thinking on it. As if someone gave my gerbil a redline and he's high tailing it in his little wheel. dang son.
I do know this, I would need some SERIOUS EDITING of the large perportion variety. Because I can't put a conjunction junction with my Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla to save my life. My grammer needs revamping. bad.
Needless to say we all have our dirt, our woa is me's, and our triumphs. So what would make mine different than anyone elses? The fact that I'm willing to make mine public? As if the tablods haven't covered that aspect in every angle and crevus of it's grueling subjects. Poor fellas, You can't help but feel bad for those guys. Constantly barraged by cameras and heartless writters and editors. I suppose I should be thankful that when I stub a toe or fall down a few flights of stairs I don't have them running after me and headling my bruised up bum. (hehe, would be funny though!) "Clumst Lady trips on flat surface, what a secptical!!"
Blah, Blah, yah, yah. So here I sit. Thinking on it. Really thinking on it. As if someone gave my gerbil a redline and he's high tailing it in his little wheel. dang son.
I do know this, I would need some SERIOUS EDITING of the large perportion variety. Because I can't put a conjunction junction with my Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla to save my life. My grammer needs revamping. bad.
Wasted Energy.-Nov 30, 08
Perhaps my energy is wasted on things of the lesser value & should be re-directed to the greater value. My grandfather just published his 4th book and at the age of uh, (60 something? which off the record he dosn't like to disclose anyways.. haha) is still cruising along and travels the world as one of the leading experts in ROI (return on investment) which unless you live in the corperate world it really wouldn't do a whole lot for you.
He's given me alot of great advice over the years and always seems to have a remedy of words for all my mishaps & mistakes. He told me on thanksgiving that I should try writing a book. releasing my energy, frustrations, and yada yada so on onto paper would probably help my pent up emotions fly the coop.
Now, mind you, I'm not to sure it would be all that interesting. " I woke up this -moring, and I tinkly-doo'd, took a hot shower, watched the news, and it's pancakes with some suger & a syrup swirl, Hey I'm just an ordinary Girl." haha.
So what do think? One of my best friends is currently writting a book about an amazing journey of overcomming and being strong that will raise awarness and give hope to the hopless. I know she's got alot to say, where as I, not so much.
I guess I'll pounder on the thought, heck, I already have a book on here do I not? hehe. Should I go forth younder and print it out? (Might get me in trouble) but might also bring in some mola, mola. hehe.
He's given me alot of great advice over the years and always seems to have a remedy of words for all my mishaps & mistakes. He told me on thanksgiving that I should try writing a book. releasing my energy, frustrations, and yada yada so on onto paper would probably help my pent up emotions fly the coop.
Now, mind you, I'm not to sure it would be all that interesting. " I woke up this -moring, and I tinkly-doo'd, took a hot shower, watched the news, and it's pancakes with some suger & a syrup swirl, Hey I'm just an ordinary Girl." haha.
So what do think? One of my best friends is currently writting a book about an amazing journey of overcomming and being strong that will raise awarness and give hope to the hopless. I know she's got alot to say, where as I, not so much.
I guess I'll pounder on the thought, heck, I already have a book on here do I not? hehe. Should I go forth younder and print it out? (Might get me in trouble) but might also bring in some mola, mola. hehe.
Father.-Nov 23,08
"Water gray through the windows
Up the stairs Chilling rain Like an ocean
Everywhere.
Don't want to reach for me do you?
I mean nothing to you
The Little Things Give You Away
And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water
I do..."
-Linkin Park
Up the stairs Chilling rain Like an ocean
Everywhere.
Don't want to reach for me do you?
I mean nothing to you
The Little Things Give You Away
And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water
I do..."
-Linkin Park
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take...-Nov 21,08
when people run in circles it's a very very, mad world......
I feel like Donnie Darko.
I feel like Donnie Darko.
Don't Look Down....-Nov 20,08
because things may be looking up, what the heck is the point?
the drops mighty freakin' steap if ya ask me. I'm right on the edge of the ledge and all it might take is alittle tail wind and off I'll go.
so like I said, I best not look down...
I'm weighting out the options now. Pros and Con's, do's and do not's. I've literally made a spread sheet of what I'd like to do from here on out.The master plan on word excell...such a nerd. ( i know)
But like I said, that sum of a tail wind my catch under my coat when I least expect it.
Think positive. glass is half empty, but ya know what... I say " are ya going finish that or what??! hand it over buddy.
If all else fails, alt east I still have my humor. Corny yes, but amusing non the less, heck I got your sorry arse reading it didn't I??? (hahah, just kidding)
But if just so happen to see my plunging to my doom, hand me a stinkin umbrella or something... so atleast I can go down Mary Poppins style.
Do's:
smile, it's much better than turning it upside down.
keep cracking corny jokes, alteast they make me laugh
keep looking up, duh, if you haven't gotten that by now you might want to hit that little tab on the right over there.. you know the one with the arrows.
Do, eat chocolate. I'm a woman, chocolate cures all, atleast while it's in your mouth. ( do not take that as IN-U-WINDOW, you perves)
Don't:
Look down. Feet are no fun to look at anyways, unless you have some crazy color air force whatchu-ma-call-ems, then ofcourse im going to stare at your crazy arse.
Be negative, glass is half full, unless it's happy hour, then this Don't can be over looked.
Don't wear black tights with bright blue leg warmers, this causes way too many reactions of the smart aleck proportions. bad ju ju.
That's it, for now.
I guess I could add, DON'T ramble. because nobody cares. ofcourse if you've made it this far, I love you man. really I do. or man-ette. whatever floats your boat.
Just stay out of that darn tail wind. it's bad ju ju.
the drops mighty freakin' steap if ya ask me. I'm right on the edge of the ledge and all it might take is alittle tail wind and off I'll go.
so like I said, I best not look down...
I'm weighting out the options now. Pros and Con's, do's and do not's. I've literally made a spread sheet of what I'd like to do from here on out.The master plan on word excell...such a nerd. ( i know)
But like I said, that sum of a tail wind my catch under my coat when I least expect it.
Think positive. glass is half empty, but ya know what... I say " are ya going finish that or what??! hand it over buddy.
If all else fails, alt east I still have my humor. Corny yes, but amusing non the less, heck I got your sorry arse reading it didn't I??? (hahah, just kidding)
But if just so happen to see my plunging to my doom, hand me a stinkin umbrella or something... so atleast I can go down Mary Poppins style.
Do's:
smile, it's much better than turning it upside down.
keep cracking corny jokes, alteast they make me laugh
keep looking up, duh, if you haven't gotten that by now you might want to hit that little tab on the right over there.. you know the one with the arrows.
Do, eat chocolate. I'm a woman, chocolate cures all, atleast while it's in your mouth. ( do not take that as IN-U-WINDOW, you perves)
Don't:
Look down. Feet are no fun to look at anyways, unless you have some crazy color air force whatchu-ma-call-ems, then ofcourse im going to stare at your crazy arse.
Be negative, glass is half full, unless it's happy hour, then this Don't can be over looked.
Don't wear black tights with bright blue leg warmers, this causes way too many reactions of the smart aleck proportions. bad ju ju.
That's it, for now.
I guess I could add, DON'T ramble. because nobody cares. ofcourse if you've made it this far, I love you man. really I do. or man-ette. whatever floats your boat.
Just stay out of that darn tail wind. it's bad ju ju.
Torn.-Nov 17,08
a smile sits waiting to be worn,
while feelings clash, clutter and mourn
happy go lucky where has it gone?
darkness prevails
from here and beyond
answers unknowing,
a life untrue
who will crack first?
will it be me or you?
not my intentions, a view gone askiew,
praying and wanting for this to be through,
a smile sits,
waiting to be worn
sitting in a pocket, a pocket that's been torn......
while feelings clash, clutter and mourn
happy go lucky where has it gone?
darkness prevails
from here and beyond
answers unknowing,
a life untrue
who will crack first?
will it be me or you?
not my intentions, a view gone askiew,
praying and wanting for this to be through,
a smile sits,
waiting to be worn
sitting in a pocket, a pocket that's been torn......
Death by Soup.-Nov 15,08
Warm potato soup is sooooo scrumpious after one hellacious day, and that's a definate understatment. I almost ended up admitted into the hospital (for denying treament I believe I have no use for& can overcome without Doctors and their white coats) and was told by my long time Councler that she wouldnt see me anymore for denying treament. But really, what kind of treament was I really getting if she is going to turn her back on me for not wanting to admitt myself for something I can overcome?
what bull crap.
Man this soup is good. too good. hold on gotta take a bite.
I can honestly say I am scared for the future. scared for myself. and just plain scared stiff of all this bs that's been surrounding me. seriously. when does it stop??
hold on. another bite. much better.
maybe i should just commit sucide in a giant tank of potato soup. death by glutney. death by soup. shit people have death by chocolate all the time ... so why can't i by soup?
I'm delerios. I'm over medicated from multi panic attacks today, not to mention finding out that I am having anxity attacks in my sleep.
what the fuuuuuudddge....
I wake up drenched in sweat, and i think okay i'm just hot, remove some sheets go back to sleep but when it happens several times over and i'm butt naked fan going and no sheets, then there's a problem. another problem yet to fix. and I thought sleep was suppose to be when your at peace, well not my body, not my effin polar bears. they must get down and party in the middle of the night...
damn. im so confused.
what bull crap.
Man this soup is good. too good. hold on gotta take a bite.
I can honestly say I am scared for the future. scared for myself. and just plain scared stiff of all this bs that's been surrounding me. seriously. when does it stop??
hold on. another bite. much better.
maybe i should just commit sucide in a giant tank of potato soup. death by glutney. death by soup. shit people have death by chocolate all the time ... so why can't i by soup?
I'm delerios. I'm over medicated from multi panic attacks today, not to mention finding out that I am having anxity attacks in my sleep.
what the fuuuuuudddge....
I wake up drenched in sweat, and i think okay i'm just hot, remove some sheets go back to sleep but when it happens several times over and i'm butt naked fan going and no sheets, then there's a problem. another problem yet to fix. and I thought sleep was suppose to be when your at peace, well not my body, not my effin polar bears. they must get down and party in the middle of the night...
damn. im so confused.
Shell Shock.-Nov 12,08
Hermitting can be one's worst enemy esp when the shell becomes dark, damp and lonely.
I've been Diagnosed with "Mixed Bipolar" and these past few months have been a never ending ride of testing drugs, relationships, and myself.
Surely, having a mental disorder isn't as bad off as some, but it hasn't been easy realizing and surcoming to the reality of it all. I can't control my own feelings. what the hell?
I know I will get through this because I keep in mind a close friend named Amber who got through the worst and is still going like a champ. She is my motivation, such as others who have overcome their given obstacles.
I didn't choose to be this way, nor did I ever think everything would turn so gray in a blink of an eye. It's torn all relationships to pieces, all trust broken, and now everyone is watching my every move wondering when I will just "snap out of it".
I'm thankful my mother finally went with me to see my Doctor and it was then when she was told the complications of it all that she finally was the first to realize it isn't something I can just shake like the rest.
My own sisters do not trust, my brother in law is angry with me, and my own husband still refuses to understand despite the multiple attempts to get him to take in the real information. I've been put on drug after drug ,Most of which made me a numb, helpless zombie and I've been off work since sept 3rd. My self image has been chizzled to that close to none and I have no sense of accomplishment. (however you spell it)
Right now I need support, I need help finding myself and I feel as if I'm getting only cold stares, turned backs, and angry comments.
I don't understand why this had to happen now, but everything happens for a reason right? I can only hope that reason will soon reveal itself.....
I've been Diagnosed with "Mixed Bipolar" and these past few months have been a never ending ride of testing drugs, relationships, and myself.
Surely, having a mental disorder isn't as bad off as some, but it hasn't been easy realizing and surcoming to the reality of it all. I can't control my own feelings. what the hell?
I know I will get through this because I keep in mind a close friend named Amber who got through the worst and is still going like a champ. She is my motivation, such as others who have overcome their given obstacles.
I didn't choose to be this way, nor did I ever think everything would turn so gray in a blink of an eye. It's torn all relationships to pieces, all trust broken, and now everyone is watching my every move wondering when I will just "snap out of it".
I'm thankful my mother finally went with me to see my Doctor and it was then when she was told the complications of it all that she finally was the first to realize it isn't something I can just shake like the rest.
My own sisters do not trust, my brother in law is angry with me, and my own husband still refuses to understand despite the multiple attempts to get him to take in the real information. I've been put on drug after drug ,Most of which made me a numb, helpless zombie and I've been off work since sept 3rd. My self image has been chizzled to that close to none and I have no sense of accomplishment. (however you spell it)
Right now I need support, I need help finding myself and I feel as if I'm getting only cold stares, turned backs, and angry comments.
I don't understand why this had to happen now, but everything happens for a reason right? I can only hope that reason will soon reveal itself.....
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