I'm done.
DONE. DONE. KA-PUTT.
My fingers feel like they just participated in a copy paste marathon. holly moley.
Now it's time to start a new, with all the old in place.
Ofcourse watch my account get deleted for too much junk. my luck.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Eyes of Blue.-Jan 02,09
Eyes of Blue,
Hide a world behind,
Curious, Interesting, Uniquie it's mind
Eyes of Blue,
Do not lie, look within, look into truth
For Numbers hide a child like youth,
Eyes of Blue
Holding all things back
Holding onto nothing, a silence of lack
Blue are these eyes, Blue is inside
not of sadness nor of pride
Blue is passion, not hate or snide-
Passer By you must'ent be
Wonderous are those eyes, wonderous like me
Look into these eyes, these eyes of Blue,
Look more beyond, beyond what looking back at you.....
Hide a world behind,
Curious, Interesting, Uniquie it's mind
Eyes of Blue,
Do not lie, look within, look into truth
For Numbers hide a child like youth,
Eyes of Blue
Holding all things back
Holding onto nothing, a silence of lack
Blue are these eyes, Blue is inside
not of sadness nor of pride
Blue is passion, not hate or snide-
Passer By you must'ent be
Wonderous are those eyes, wonderous like me
Look into these eyes, these eyes of Blue,
Look more beyond, beyond what looking back at you.....
Drift (gesichtslos)
Life is like a clock, continually tick-tocking the time away. Time that can never be given back, but only taken and used or abused.
Thoughts are freedom, freedom from the physical reality of what we are. what we've become.
I often wonder if I've fallen short, wasted talent, wasted time, under estimated my own capabilities.
As I sit here, being insulted by a mere customer of "how boring my job must be." even as petty as he is for saying it, it really hits home.
What am I doing?
What am I acomplishing?
I am just an annonimous number on a governmental chart. A face amoung millions. A personality who tries to spread laughter, make others feel better, feel self worth while I alone feel worthless.
There's a fire burning, flamming wildly within me, yurning to spring loose of the monotony. Break free of the sterotypical life I've so blindingly settled for.....
Thoughts are freedom, freedom from the physical reality of what we are. what we've become.
I often wonder if I've fallen short, wasted talent, wasted time, under estimated my own capabilities.
As I sit here, being insulted by a mere customer of "how boring my job must be." even as petty as he is for saying it, it really hits home.
What am I doing?
What am I acomplishing?
I am just an annonimous number on a governmental chart. A face amoung millions. A personality who tries to spread laughter, make others feel better, feel self worth while I alone feel worthless.
There's a fire burning, flamming wildly within me, yurning to spring loose of the monotony. Break free of the sterotypical life I've so blindingly settled for.....
Blue Dude.-Dec 18,08
Sometimes words flow like a shook up keg, other times it's like straining noodles. Today I've had no problem letting the inner be revealed by the outer. Good? maybe. Bad? Maybe so.
all depends on the ear of the beholder. haha.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time, go back to certain days or memories and re-live them just one more time. Maybe done some things different and done without others. I suppose that is the whole purpose of life. "you screwed up! sucks for you!" oh well. hells bells. grab a wad of chocolate and move on.
A neverending game of musical chairs, or a cake walk. see what flavor you end up with next... "dude! you got gradma's cake, that suuuucks! sorry man!"
While everyone else is caught up in the holiday cheer, I'm ready to holiday steer (away from the mess.) traffic is like waiting for a parking space in a one space parking lot. and slower than those creepy crawlers goop down your window.
Speaking of I remember the time I flung one of those suckers in the grand enterance at my poppy's house and nailed the very top corner, (2 ceilings high) he about killed me because no one could reach it. So we simply had to watch it's ever slowing progress as it inched down the wall, til finally 2 years later that sucker hit the floor. I remember many holidays checking on the blue dude. haha.
What all this babling boils down to, is that no matter what i've down, I dont give a crap about what people think of it or of me.
so nanner. nanner.
all depends on the ear of the beholder. haha.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time, go back to certain days or memories and re-live them just one more time. Maybe done some things different and done without others. I suppose that is the whole purpose of life. "you screwed up! sucks for you!" oh well. hells bells. grab a wad of chocolate and move on.
A neverending game of musical chairs, or a cake walk. see what flavor you end up with next... "dude! you got gradma's cake, that suuuucks! sorry man!"
While everyone else is caught up in the holiday cheer, I'm ready to holiday steer (away from the mess.) traffic is like waiting for a parking space in a one space parking lot. and slower than those creepy crawlers goop down your window.
Speaking of I remember the time I flung one of those suckers in the grand enterance at my poppy's house and nailed the very top corner, (2 ceilings high) he about killed me because no one could reach it. So we simply had to watch it's ever slowing progress as it inched down the wall, til finally 2 years later that sucker hit the floor. I remember many holidays checking on the blue dude. haha.
What all this babling boils down to, is that no matter what i've down, I dont give a crap about what people think of it or of me.
so nanner. nanner.
Sleigh what??-Dec 16,08
I'm listening to some 80's new wave song that sounds like a black New Kids on the Block that keep saying "sleigh ride." I wish they'd ride that sleigh of theirs right off the speakers.
somebody shoot me.
or give me a pair of parashoot pants, crazy velcro sneaks and let me loose on the showroom turned dance floor so I can hump the plants and greenery to the beat. (ya know, break out the Beavis & Butthead moves)
yeah buddy.
haha. not really.
somebody shoot me.
or give me a pair of parashoot pants, crazy velcro sneaks and let me loose on the showroom turned dance floor so I can hump the plants and greenery to the beat. (ya know, break out the Beavis & Butthead moves)
yeah buddy.
haha. not really.
Bagged Cats.-Dec 16,08
Monday, Monday, such a fun day...
There was a 2 hour delay this morning on the freeway, turns out it was only a onlookers to a really, really bad accident. Brand new BMW obliterated. sad. Seeing things like that makes you think about yourself and the probability of it being you. yikes. never know.
I feel re-newed, re-freshed from a wonderful weekend and a time- needy salvage of a broken relationship. feels as if the weight bar was finally lifted off my weary, half beaten shoulders.
Thank God.
Perhaps loosing faith I lost touch of what mattered. Myself and my own feelings and conveying these in true light instead of keeping it bottled for a rainy day. Now all cats are out and playing instead of clawing at that darn bag. whew.
There was a 2 hour delay this morning on the freeway, turns out it was only a onlookers to a really, really bad accident. Brand new BMW obliterated. sad. Seeing things like that makes you think about yourself and the probability of it being you. yikes. never know.
I feel re-newed, re-freshed from a wonderful weekend and a time- needy salvage of a broken relationship. feels as if the weight bar was finally lifted off my weary, half beaten shoulders.
Thank God.
Perhaps loosing faith I lost touch of what mattered. Myself and my own feelings and conveying these in true light instead of keeping it bottled for a rainy day. Now all cats are out and playing instead of clawing at that darn bag. whew.
Time Out.-Dec 13,08
Sitting in boredom sometimes leads to self reflection. Which to my neverending cycle of a mind can be quite the race for a cure.
I sometimes wonder if too much can be said, or ponder on the fact of which is worse: too much or too little. Sharing too much can be over endulging the public and sharing to little can leave you with no conversation at all.
Perhaps I should find a happy medium no? But when have you (ever) seen me settle in one spot long enough to figure something out. hah. (like telling a terets kid to sit in the silent time out. not happening)
Maybe I should go sit in time out, dunce hat and all...
& figure it out. Some say life is short. but really, a day seems long and I am in no hurry.
I sometimes wonder if too much can be said, or ponder on the fact of which is worse: too much or too little. Sharing too much can be over endulging the public and sharing to little can leave you with no conversation at all.
Perhaps I should find a happy medium no? But when have you (ever) seen me settle in one spot long enough to figure something out. hah. (like telling a terets kid to sit in the silent time out. not happening)
Maybe I should go sit in time out, dunce hat and all...
& figure it out. Some say life is short. but really, a day seems long and I am in no hurry.
Dear Mouth.-Dec 13,08
Sometimes you run like Forest Gump, and never stop.
You mumble, mutter, squakle, and stutter.
You leave a mess behind & make The Face turn beat red.
knock it off.
You see, sometimes Mouth, you get me into too much trouble.
Love,
Me.
You mumble, mutter, squakle, and stutter.
You leave a mess behind & make The Face turn beat red.
knock it off.
You see, sometimes Mouth, you get me into too much trouble.
Love,
Me.
These Bones, These Bones.-Dec 06,08
these dry bones..da da da la la le lu la... however that goes.
I'm literally a bag of bones. From a healthy 125 I am now 117. Not good. I can't keep much down, not even a cracker. I mean give me a break here or something. Throw me a bone. oh wait, I've got plenty of those, never mind.
I'm literally a bag of bones. From a healthy 125 I am now 117. Not good. I can't keep much down, not even a cracker. I mean give me a break here or something. Throw me a bone. oh wait, I've got plenty of those, never mind.
Oh my, my.-Dec 05,08
I can't put one thing in without it comming out the otherside.
needless to say, the past few days have been rather explosive.
(I know you were dying to read that, I probably just wasted a few mintues of your day. suuuccckkkaaaaaS! jk)
needless to say, the past few days have been rather explosive.
(I know you were dying to read that, I probably just wasted a few mintues of your day. suuuccckkkaaaaaS! jk)
Funny People.-Dec 02,08
So there's a contest going on saying to describe yourself in 100 words or less to which the funniest will get to have a walk on part in a COMEDY movie. holly batman britches I want it like my palmerian wants to hump legs.
So I got my 100 words to be exact, atleast that's what microsoft word told me. & I think it's rather spiffy and just might have a chance. I mean heck I got you guys reading my little diddies and laughing ( i think..) haha.
So I got my 100 words to be exact, atleast that's what microsoft word told me. & I think it's rather spiffy and just might have a chance. I mean heck I got you guys reading my little diddies and laughing ( i think..) haha.
Oh my chit-zoo.-Dec 01,08
How awkwardly strange working as the front man of a dealership can be. I am (currently as I am writing) being hit on by an India man.(to which here I say I have NO problem with India People) Oh my. He's quite the cat with words.
Opening words, as he slyly, (or so he thought) paced up and down my desk. "You should Go for coffee on weekend with me."
(of course with a very thick "jew want a Slurpee accent." to which I had to ask him several times what the heck he meant.
(and this is when being married and having a ring comes in handy) and I simply said "oh no, my husband wouldn't like that" and flashed my bling bling in the fry lights that bake upon my desk.
Now I thought that would just about be an XY-see yourself away from me conversation but he paced on.
Again he leaned in closer "you could just tell him you go get coffee"
So this time I implied the words NO quite heavily. Thicker than whip cream on nanna pudding. But obviously not thick enough for this turban wearing jockey strap. On he passed, and on my heart raced wondering were the hell my coworker was who dumped this bo-zo off in front of my desk.
As if the situation wasn't awkward enough he continued
"where you go around here to find women? You know ones like me."
Uhhhh, how the heck was I suppose to answer that, knowing there arn't any creep clubs this side the Mississippi.
" What country do you tink' I am from?" he then asked, pacing even faster.
I almost felt like pulling the fire alarm and ducking for cover. Dude this guy might be sporting Bomb-of the-looms.
Uneasily I replied " India?"
He passed a bit more and in his thick musty accent said "ah, you got it right. You don't think I am Mexican. good. very good."
By now I am really wishing my coworker would hurry his arse back to "his clients" that seem to be like moths to the flame. good greif.
Somedays really are mundays. and this day was a Someday I had to be ruffled up like a defensive turkey. Yes, to answer your question, he is still here, but has retreated to the window in front of me and is now squaking with his pal and still slyly smiling at me. I just know at times like this you have to be primitive, no eye contact, sit up straight and puff your chest out, well wait, that might not be good for a female...maybe suck your chest in, (yeah, that might work better), foof your hair up and stand your ground.
oie vay.
**To which now I disclose I am not completely biased, or raciest at that, just Leary like the rest of creepy people**
Opening words, as he slyly, (or so he thought) paced up and down my desk. "You should Go for coffee on weekend with me."
(of course with a very thick "jew want a Slurpee accent." to which I had to ask him several times what the heck he meant.
(and this is when being married and having a ring comes in handy) and I simply said "oh no, my husband wouldn't like that" and flashed my bling bling in the fry lights that bake upon my desk.
Now I thought that would just about be an XY-see yourself away from me conversation but he paced on.
Again he leaned in closer "you could just tell him you go get coffee"
So this time I implied the words NO quite heavily. Thicker than whip cream on nanna pudding. But obviously not thick enough for this turban wearing jockey strap. On he passed, and on my heart raced wondering were the hell my coworker was who dumped this bo-zo off in front of my desk.
As if the situation wasn't awkward enough he continued
"where you go around here to find women? You know ones like me."
Uhhhh, how the heck was I suppose to answer that, knowing there arn't any creep clubs this side the Mississippi.
" What country do you tink' I am from?" he then asked, pacing even faster.
I almost felt like pulling the fire alarm and ducking for cover. Dude this guy might be sporting Bomb-of the-looms.
Uneasily I replied " India?"
He passed a bit more and in his thick musty accent said "ah, you got it right. You don't think I am Mexican. good. very good."
By now I am really wishing my coworker would hurry his arse back to "his clients" that seem to be like moths to the flame. good greif.
Somedays really are mundays. and this day was a Someday I had to be ruffled up like a defensive turkey. Yes, to answer your question, he is still here, but has retreated to the window in front of me and is now squaking with his pal and still slyly smiling at me. I just know at times like this you have to be primitive, no eye contact, sit up straight and puff your chest out, well wait, that might not be good for a female...maybe suck your chest in, (yeah, that might work better), foof your hair up and stand your ground.
oie vay.
**To which now I disclose I am not completely biased, or raciest at that, just Leary like the rest of creepy people**
Little Ditty Do.-Dec 01,08
Ironically as I read responses about publishing my old el' bloggo there's a little ditty of a song playing in the background singing "someday some way la la la". Funny, could be a sign, my karma through a speaker.
Needless to say we all have our dirt, our woa is me's, and our triumphs. So what would make mine different than anyone elses? The fact that I'm willing to make mine public? As if the tablods haven't covered that aspect in every angle and crevus of it's grueling subjects. Poor fellas, You can't help but feel bad for those guys. Constantly barraged by cameras and heartless writters and editors. I suppose I should be thankful that when I stub a toe or fall down a few flights of stairs I don't have them running after me and headling my bruised up bum. (hehe, would be funny though!) "Clumst Lady trips on flat surface, what a secptical!!"
Blah, Blah, yah, yah. So here I sit. Thinking on it. Really thinking on it. As if someone gave my gerbil a redline and he's high tailing it in his little wheel. dang son.
I do know this, I would need some SERIOUS EDITING of the large perportion variety. Because I can't put a conjunction junction with my Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla to save my life. My grammer needs revamping. bad.
Needless to say we all have our dirt, our woa is me's, and our triumphs. So what would make mine different than anyone elses? The fact that I'm willing to make mine public? As if the tablods haven't covered that aspect in every angle and crevus of it's grueling subjects. Poor fellas, You can't help but feel bad for those guys. Constantly barraged by cameras and heartless writters and editors. I suppose I should be thankful that when I stub a toe or fall down a few flights of stairs I don't have them running after me and headling my bruised up bum. (hehe, would be funny though!) "Clumst Lady trips on flat surface, what a secptical!!"
Blah, Blah, yah, yah. So here I sit. Thinking on it. Really thinking on it. As if someone gave my gerbil a redline and he's high tailing it in his little wheel. dang son.
I do know this, I would need some SERIOUS EDITING of the large perportion variety. Because I can't put a conjunction junction with my Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla to save my life. My grammer needs revamping. bad.
Wasted Energy.-Nov 30, 08
Perhaps my energy is wasted on things of the lesser value & should be re-directed to the greater value. My grandfather just published his 4th book and at the age of uh, (60 something? which off the record he dosn't like to disclose anyways.. haha) is still cruising along and travels the world as one of the leading experts in ROI (return on investment) which unless you live in the corperate world it really wouldn't do a whole lot for you.
He's given me alot of great advice over the years and always seems to have a remedy of words for all my mishaps & mistakes. He told me on thanksgiving that I should try writing a book. releasing my energy, frustrations, and yada yada so on onto paper would probably help my pent up emotions fly the coop.
Now, mind you, I'm not to sure it would be all that interesting. " I woke up this -moring, and I tinkly-doo'd, took a hot shower, watched the news, and it's pancakes with some suger & a syrup swirl, Hey I'm just an ordinary Girl." haha.
So what do think? One of my best friends is currently writting a book about an amazing journey of overcomming and being strong that will raise awarness and give hope to the hopless. I know she's got alot to say, where as I, not so much.
I guess I'll pounder on the thought, heck, I already have a book on here do I not? hehe. Should I go forth younder and print it out? (Might get me in trouble) but might also bring in some mola, mola. hehe.
He's given me alot of great advice over the years and always seems to have a remedy of words for all my mishaps & mistakes. He told me on thanksgiving that I should try writing a book. releasing my energy, frustrations, and yada yada so on onto paper would probably help my pent up emotions fly the coop.
Now, mind you, I'm not to sure it would be all that interesting. " I woke up this -moring, and I tinkly-doo'd, took a hot shower, watched the news, and it's pancakes with some suger & a syrup swirl, Hey I'm just an ordinary Girl." haha.
So what do think? One of my best friends is currently writting a book about an amazing journey of overcomming and being strong that will raise awarness and give hope to the hopless. I know she's got alot to say, where as I, not so much.
I guess I'll pounder on the thought, heck, I already have a book on here do I not? hehe. Should I go forth younder and print it out? (Might get me in trouble) but might also bring in some mola, mola. hehe.
Father.-Nov 23,08
"Water gray through the windows
Up the stairs Chilling rain Like an ocean
Everywhere.
Don't want to reach for me do you?
I mean nothing to you
The Little Things Give You Away
And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water
I do..."
-Linkin Park
Up the stairs Chilling rain Like an ocean
Everywhere.
Don't want to reach for me do you?
I mean nothing to you
The Little Things Give You Away
And now there will be no mistaking
The levees are breaking
All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you
And six feet under water
I do..."
-Linkin Park
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take...-Nov 21,08
when people run in circles it's a very very, mad world......
I feel like Donnie Darko.
I feel like Donnie Darko.
Don't Look Down....-Nov 20,08
because things may be looking up, what the heck is the point?
the drops mighty freakin' steap if ya ask me. I'm right on the edge of the ledge and all it might take is alittle tail wind and off I'll go.
so like I said, I best not look down...
I'm weighting out the options now. Pros and Con's, do's and do not's. I've literally made a spread sheet of what I'd like to do from here on out.The master plan on word excell...such a nerd. ( i know)
But like I said, that sum of a tail wind my catch under my coat when I least expect it.
Think positive. glass is half empty, but ya know what... I say " are ya going finish that or what??! hand it over buddy.
If all else fails, alt east I still have my humor. Corny yes, but amusing non the less, heck I got your sorry arse reading it didn't I??? (hahah, just kidding)
But if just so happen to see my plunging to my doom, hand me a stinkin umbrella or something... so atleast I can go down Mary Poppins style.
Do's:
smile, it's much better than turning it upside down.
keep cracking corny jokes, alteast they make me laugh
keep looking up, duh, if you haven't gotten that by now you might want to hit that little tab on the right over there.. you know the one with the arrows.
Do, eat chocolate. I'm a woman, chocolate cures all, atleast while it's in your mouth. ( do not take that as IN-U-WINDOW, you perves)
Don't:
Look down. Feet are no fun to look at anyways, unless you have some crazy color air force whatchu-ma-call-ems, then ofcourse im going to stare at your crazy arse.
Be negative, glass is half full, unless it's happy hour, then this Don't can be over looked.
Don't wear black tights with bright blue leg warmers, this causes way too many reactions of the smart aleck proportions. bad ju ju.
That's it, for now.
I guess I could add, DON'T ramble. because nobody cares. ofcourse if you've made it this far, I love you man. really I do. or man-ette. whatever floats your boat.
Just stay out of that darn tail wind. it's bad ju ju.
the drops mighty freakin' steap if ya ask me. I'm right on the edge of the ledge and all it might take is alittle tail wind and off I'll go.
so like I said, I best not look down...
I'm weighting out the options now. Pros and Con's, do's and do not's. I've literally made a spread sheet of what I'd like to do from here on out.The master plan on word excell...such a nerd. ( i know)
But like I said, that sum of a tail wind my catch under my coat when I least expect it.
Think positive. glass is half empty, but ya know what... I say " are ya going finish that or what??! hand it over buddy.
If all else fails, alt east I still have my humor. Corny yes, but amusing non the less, heck I got your sorry arse reading it didn't I??? (hahah, just kidding)
But if just so happen to see my plunging to my doom, hand me a stinkin umbrella or something... so atleast I can go down Mary Poppins style.
Do's:
smile, it's much better than turning it upside down.
keep cracking corny jokes, alteast they make me laugh
keep looking up, duh, if you haven't gotten that by now you might want to hit that little tab on the right over there.. you know the one with the arrows.
Do, eat chocolate. I'm a woman, chocolate cures all, atleast while it's in your mouth. ( do not take that as IN-U-WINDOW, you perves)
Don't:
Look down. Feet are no fun to look at anyways, unless you have some crazy color air force whatchu-ma-call-ems, then ofcourse im going to stare at your crazy arse.
Be negative, glass is half full, unless it's happy hour, then this Don't can be over looked.
Don't wear black tights with bright blue leg warmers, this causes way too many reactions of the smart aleck proportions. bad ju ju.
That's it, for now.
I guess I could add, DON'T ramble. because nobody cares. ofcourse if you've made it this far, I love you man. really I do. or man-ette. whatever floats your boat.
Just stay out of that darn tail wind. it's bad ju ju.
Torn.-Nov 17,08
a smile sits waiting to be worn,
while feelings clash, clutter and mourn
happy go lucky where has it gone?
darkness prevails
from here and beyond
answers unknowing,
a life untrue
who will crack first?
will it be me or you?
not my intentions, a view gone askiew,
praying and wanting for this to be through,
a smile sits,
waiting to be worn
sitting in a pocket, a pocket that's been torn......
while feelings clash, clutter and mourn
happy go lucky where has it gone?
darkness prevails
from here and beyond
answers unknowing,
a life untrue
who will crack first?
will it be me or you?
not my intentions, a view gone askiew,
praying and wanting for this to be through,
a smile sits,
waiting to be worn
sitting in a pocket, a pocket that's been torn......
Death by Soup.-Nov 15,08
Warm potato soup is sooooo scrumpious after one hellacious day, and that's a definate understatment. I almost ended up admitted into the hospital (for denying treament I believe I have no use for& can overcome without Doctors and their white coats) and was told by my long time Councler that she wouldnt see me anymore for denying treament. But really, what kind of treament was I really getting if she is going to turn her back on me for not wanting to admitt myself for something I can overcome?
what bull crap.
Man this soup is good. too good. hold on gotta take a bite.
I can honestly say I am scared for the future. scared for myself. and just plain scared stiff of all this bs that's been surrounding me. seriously. when does it stop??
hold on. another bite. much better.
maybe i should just commit sucide in a giant tank of potato soup. death by glutney. death by soup. shit people have death by chocolate all the time ... so why can't i by soup?
I'm delerios. I'm over medicated from multi panic attacks today, not to mention finding out that I am having anxity attacks in my sleep.
what the fuuuuuudddge....
I wake up drenched in sweat, and i think okay i'm just hot, remove some sheets go back to sleep but when it happens several times over and i'm butt naked fan going and no sheets, then there's a problem. another problem yet to fix. and I thought sleep was suppose to be when your at peace, well not my body, not my effin polar bears. they must get down and party in the middle of the night...
damn. im so confused.
what bull crap.
Man this soup is good. too good. hold on gotta take a bite.
I can honestly say I am scared for the future. scared for myself. and just plain scared stiff of all this bs that's been surrounding me. seriously. when does it stop??
hold on. another bite. much better.
maybe i should just commit sucide in a giant tank of potato soup. death by glutney. death by soup. shit people have death by chocolate all the time ... so why can't i by soup?
I'm delerios. I'm over medicated from multi panic attacks today, not to mention finding out that I am having anxity attacks in my sleep.
what the fuuuuuudddge....
I wake up drenched in sweat, and i think okay i'm just hot, remove some sheets go back to sleep but when it happens several times over and i'm butt naked fan going and no sheets, then there's a problem. another problem yet to fix. and I thought sleep was suppose to be when your at peace, well not my body, not my effin polar bears. they must get down and party in the middle of the night...
damn. im so confused.
Shell Shock.-Nov 12,08
Hermitting can be one's worst enemy esp when the shell becomes dark, damp and lonely.
I've been Diagnosed with "Mixed Bipolar" and these past few months have been a never ending ride of testing drugs, relationships, and myself.
Surely, having a mental disorder isn't as bad off as some, but it hasn't been easy realizing and surcoming to the reality of it all. I can't control my own feelings. what the hell?
I know I will get through this because I keep in mind a close friend named Amber who got through the worst and is still going like a champ. She is my motivation, such as others who have overcome their given obstacles.
I didn't choose to be this way, nor did I ever think everything would turn so gray in a blink of an eye. It's torn all relationships to pieces, all trust broken, and now everyone is watching my every move wondering when I will just "snap out of it".
I'm thankful my mother finally went with me to see my Doctor and it was then when she was told the complications of it all that she finally was the first to realize it isn't something I can just shake like the rest.
My own sisters do not trust, my brother in law is angry with me, and my own husband still refuses to understand despite the multiple attempts to get him to take in the real information. I've been put on drug after drug ,Most of which made me a numb, helpless zombie and I've been off work since sept 3rd. My self image has been chizzled to that close to none and I have no sense of accomplishment. (however you spell it)
Right now I need support, I need help finding myself and I feel as if I'm getting only cold stares, turned backs, and angry comments.
I don't understand why this had to happen now, but everything happens for a reason right? I can only hope that reason will soon reveal itself.....
I've been Diagnosed with "Mixed Bipolar" and these past few months have been a never ending ride of testing drugs, relationships, and myself.
Surely, having a mental disorder isn't as bad off as some, but it hasn't been easy realizing and surcoming to the reality of it all. I can't control my own feelings. what the hell?
I know I will get through this because I keep in mind a close friend named Amber who got through the worst and is still going like a champ. She is my motivation, such as others who have overcome their given obstacles.
I didn't choose to be this way, nor did I ever think everything would turn so gray in a blink of an eye. It's torn all relationships to pieces, all trust broken, and now everyone is watching my every move wondering when I will just "snap out of it".
I'm thankful my mother finally went with me to see my Doctor and it was then when she was told the complications of it all that she finally was the first to realize it isn't something I can just shake like the rest.
My own sisters do not trust, my brother in law is angry with me, and my own husband still refuses to understand despite the multiple attempts to get him to take in the real information. I've been put on drug after drug ,Most of which made me a numb, helpless zombie and I've been off work since sept 3rd. My self image has been chizzled to that close to none and I have no sense of accomplishment. (however you spell it)
Right now I need support, I need help finding myself and I feel as if I'm getting only cold stares, turned backs, and angry comments.
I don't understand why this had to happen now, but everything happens for a reason right? I can only hope that reason will soon reveal itself.....
Leap of Absence. Silence Broken. -Oct 20,08
Seems like ages since I was able to jump on here and pour my thoughts into black & white for alll to see.
I've been living the dream of normalacy, ofcourse, the dream I once swore I would never settle for. I've got a husband, a house with a fence and ofcourse a dog. The southern sterotypical outcome so to speak. But not to say any of this is bad at all.
I'm happy, but misunderstood. Content yet Contemplative.
Love is work. that's for sure.
Im 26 and still searching for my nitch, I sometimes ponder on the shear fact that there just might not be one out there for me.
My house with the fence and dog lacks internet and the window to the world. Funny this can make one feel alienated now a days. I use to be a daily writter, daily "hey how are ya" a daily peek in on what's all around. Now there's no window to peek through except for the few rare occasions I'm able to use someone else's window for a minute or two.
I can't say I've made the best dissicions when it comes to the past, but the past is now just that. If I could I would appologize to many, many people. A few inparticular who didn't deserve the treament I gave and didn't deserve to be tangled in my indessive journey of finding myself. I'm sure if you're reading this, and you've played a part in my life then you know this is for you.
I'm sorry.
A wise man, my grandfather, once told me never hold on to the past, it does nothing for you. does nothing for those around you. It hurts you and hinders you from seeing what's infront of you currently. blindness can be bliss, but blind bliss is ignorance, and ignorance in a modern world is in no way blissful.
He also told me to forgive, letting go sometimes means letting those who have hurt you know that you forgive them. Holding on to these pains only hurts you when the person who hurt you has only moved on from what you haven't. I've been both the trampler and the trampled on. for which now seeing clearly I forgive those who have hurt me, who have caused me pain and heartache, just as a appologize to those I may have hurt or caused the same to.
Life is an interesting game, a game with no rules, no cards, no get out of jail free, no how to's or which ways.
Life is life.
It feels good to be back sitting in the window for just a mere moment. It feels good to speak to those who listen, silently. It feels good to know that some I have hurt are now happy, as everything happens for a reason, safe to say.
It feels good to be me. for now.
I've been living the dream of normalacy, ofcourse, the dream I once swore I would never settle for. I've got a husband, a house with a fence and ofcourse a dog. The southern sterotypical outcome so to speak. But not to say any of this is bad at all.
I'm happy, but misunderstood. Content yet Contemplative.
Love is work. that's for sure.
Im 26 and still searching for my nitch, I sometimes ponder on the shear fact that there just might not be one out there for me.
My house with the fence and dog lacks internet and the window to the world. Funny this can make one feel alienated now a days. I use to be a daily writter, daily "hey how are ya" a daily peek in on what's all around. Now there's no window to peek through except for the few rare occasions I'm able to use someone else's window for a minute or two.
I can't say I've made the best dissicions when it comes to the past, but the past is now just that. If I could I would appologize to many, many people. A few inparticular who didn't deserve the treament I gave and didn't deserve to be tangled in my indessive journey of finding myself. I'm sure if you're reading this, and you've played a part in my life then you know this is for you.
I'm sorry.
A wise man, my grandfather, once told me never hold on to the past, it does nothing for you. does nothing for those around you. It hurts you and hinders you from seeing what's infront of you currently. blindness can be bliss, but blind bliss is ignorance, and ignorance in a modern world is in no way blissful.
He also told me to forgive, letting go sometimes means letting those who have hurt you know that you forgive them. Holding on to these pains only hurts you when the person who hurt you has only moved on from what you haven't. I've been both the trampler and the trampled on. for which now seeing clearly I forgive those who have hurt me, who have caused me pain and heartache, just as a appologize to those I may have hurt or caused the same to.
Life is an interesting game, a game with no rules, no cards, no get out of jail free, no how to's or which ways.
Life is life.
It feels good to be back sitting in the window for just a mere moment. It feels good to speak to those who listen, silently. It feels good to know that some I have hurt are now happy, as everything happens for a reason, safe to say.
It feels good to be me. for now.
Thoughts.-Jun 09,08
I'm ready.
It comes & goes in & out of my mind constantly throughout the day.
knowing I get to see you, when the days is done, makes each day that much easier & go by that much quicker.
You are what I have been looking for, waiting for, & wanting all along.
You are my bestfriend, & for this I love you.
I am ready to let go of all those things I haven't all these years, I am ready, because you helped me to be so, without even trying.
I am ready to be one.(there is no doubt)
It comes & goes in & out of my mind constantly throughout the day.
knowing I get to see you, when the days is done, makes each day that much easier & go by that much quicker.
You are what I have been looking for, waiting for, & wanting all along.
You are my bestfriend, & for this I love you.
I am ready to let go of all those things I haven't all these years, I am ready, because you helped me to be so, without even trying.
I am ready to be one.(there is no doubt)
Glass.-May 29,08
"I'm looking at you through the glass,
Dont know how much time has passed
all I know is that it feels like forever,
but no one really tells you that forever feels like home
sitting all alone inside your head."
-Stone Sour
Dont know how much time has passed
all I know is that it feels like forever,
but no one really tells you that forever feels like home
sitting all alone inside your head."
-Stone Sour
Somedays.-May 26,08
I dig a hole that is deeper than I can climb.
Somedays
I am someone I am not.
Somedays
my feelings are more fragile than i predicted.
Somedays
I wish were otherdays......
"Honesty
Is what you need
It sets you free
Like someone to save you
Let it go
But hurry though
Theres undertow
And I don't want to lose you now ...."
Somedays
I am someone I am not.
Somedays
my feelings are more fragile than i predicted.
Somedays
I wish were otherdays......
"Honesty
Is what you need
It sets you free
Like someone to save you
Let it go
But hurry though
Theres undertow
And I don't want to lose you now ...."
To be continued. (a work in progress)-May 22,08
I've been labeled as having an "addictive" personality, not of the "drink myself stoopid & pop little round pills" variety but more or less of the "over achievement, constantly striving" type. Yep, I am a lovely "obsessive compulsive" nutcase. Nothing ever seems to be exactly how I want it & this tends to drive me up a wall faster than spiderman on crack.
It would be such a relief to be able to go with the flow and be happy with where I am & where I'm going (which dont get me wrong is a very wonderful, very good place) Yet i find myself in constant critique mode, leaving post-it notes of comparing and contrasting, pros and cons... yada yada and so forth.
Working for the coperate beast has its perks, benefits, the whole 9 yards, but it lacks the very essence that's drives my compulsiveness, which is a HUDGE part in my professional happiness: Saticifaction. I find myself constantly comming home to the tune of Rolling Stones " I can't get NO! NO NO NO... hey, hey heyy,........" instead of happy rainbows & puppies = life is good.
...to be continued. time for work. yay. (can you just feel the enthusiasim?)
There is a point to this, i just havent gotten there yet. (which means this is NOT to be confused with a depressive, ramble, but instead a quarrling debate for yet another decision on going back to the dental field)
It would be such a relief to be able to go with the flow and be happy with where I am & where I'm going (which dont get me wrong is a very wonderful, very good place) Yet i find myself in constant critique mode, leaving post-it notes of comparing and contrasting, pros and cons... yada yada and so forth.
Working for the coperate beast has its perks, benefits, the whole 9 yards, but it lacks the very essence that's drives my compulsiveness, which is a HUDGE part in my professional happiness: Saticifaction. I find myself constantly comming home to the tune of Rolling Stones " I can't get NO! NO NO NO... hey, hey heyy,........" instead of happy rainbows & puppies = life is good.
...to be continued. time for work. yay. (can you just feel the enthusiasim?)
There is a point to this, i just havent gotten there yet. (which means this is NOT to be confused with a depressive, ramble, but instead a quarrling debate for yet another decision on going back to the dental field)
Just Words?-May 19,08
confliction. contradiction. contrasting. outlasting. submission.
leary. weary. confused. abused.
unwilling. unwanting. unappreciated. faded.
starving.struggling. stranded. abondoned.
thoughtfulness.carelessness.useless.wasted.
words.thoughts.feelings.senses.
time.breaking.trials.taken.
error.override.crash.burn.restart.reboot.memo.learn.
leary. weary. confused. abused.
unwilling. unwanting. unappreciated. faded.
starving.struggling. stranded. abondoned.
thoughtfulness.carelessness.useless.wasted.
words.thoughts.feelings.senses.
time.breaking.trials.taken.
error.override.crash.burn.restart.reboot.memo.learn.
Shut up, Get up & Go.-May 19,08
Monday mornings are like those first climbs on the gar-gant-tu-win hills of a roller coaster. Moving ever so slowly to the steady click clack of the incline. Perhaps its the anticipation of the unknowing that lies ahead, or the struggle to jump start an idoling motor from the weekend's cruise control.
I'm motivation-less.
My butt on my bed feels like heaven, the thought of staying planted right here for the rest of the day is too good to be true. possibly because it's the one thing I want & know I absolutely cant have.
Somedays I wonder what it would be like to still be in the service. The fact that laxidasical laziness was so overlooked and the motivated amugst the mediocrate made no difference. Ah the inability to get fired sounds so appealing.
I am talking myself out of doing what I must.
Time to shutup. getup. and go.
I'm motivation-less.
My butt on my bed feels like heaven, the thought of staying planted right here for the rest of the day is too good to be true. possibly because it's the one thing I want & know I absolutely cant have.
Somedays I wonder what it would be like to still be in the service. The fact that laxidasical laziness was so overlooked and the motivated amugst the mediocrate made no difference. Ah the inability to get fired sounds so appealing.
I am talking myself out of doing what I must.
Time to shutup. getup. and go.
What can I say?-May 12,08
Life is good.
Love is sweet.
the deep sea is my kryptonite.
Dramamine patches & sunblock are my best friend.
Time for another week of work, off I go...
lobster tan & all.
hehehe.
Love is sweet.
the deep sea is my kryptonite.
Dramamine patches & sunblock are my best friend.
Time for another week of work, off I go...
lobster tan & all.
hehehe.
Seasoned to Perfection.-May 01,08
Numero Uno, the begining of another numbers game.
Bring it on baby, Im ready to rock & roll and roll out the dough. =)
I can't wait to run off to the beach the next few weeks, a hiatus is well overdue & much needed. I've aged way beyond my years the past few weeks, falling asleep before the strike of 10. I'm so ready to settle down and mosey along.
I'll be 26 next week, wow.
No more spring chicken, more like seasoned hen.
dang son.
Bring it on baby, Im ready to rock & roll and roll out the dough. =)
I can't wait to run off to the beach the next few weeks, a hiatus is well overdue & much needed. I've aged way beyond my years the past few weeks, falling asleep before the strike of 10. I'm so ready to settle down and mosey along.
I'll be 26 next week, wow.
No more spring chicken, more like seasoned hen.
dang son.
Hi ho. Hi ho.-Apr 30,08
The sun is shinning & the birds are singing, Im dressed im my hippie's best & my favorite pair of busted flip flops.
now I have to go to work.
what's wrong with this picture? hah.
"Hi ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go........."
I need some prozac, or a really kick arse energy drink.
Somedays you really need those jumper cables.
now I have to go to work.
what's wrong with this picture? hah.
"Hi ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go........."
I need some prozac, or a really kick arse energy drink.
Somedays you really need those jumper cables.
Bait.-Apr 28,08
I can't help but constantly write mushy nothingness & sugary coated words. I can't help but day dream constantly of what the future holds. I can't stop thinking of you.
Hook. Line. & Sinker.
I'm not sure what you used as bait, but you reeled me in against every last bit of resistance I had. you rendered me helpless & a love sick fool.....
Hook. Line. & Sinker.
I'm not sure what you used as bait, but you reeled me in against every last bit of resistance I had. you rendered me helpless & a love sick fool.....
Sweet Serenity.-Apr 28,08
It's taken many times of trugging up the hill & falling back down to finally find the stairs. Life makes sense, Love isn't something I'm afraid of, & for once things are making sense rather than looking like a never ending rubix cube.
I've realized the importance of finding someone to share everything with.
I've found someone that makes the day go by just knowing I get to end it next to him. Someone who puts a drive behind everything I do, everything I feel & everything that is me.
Call me a love sick fool, call me a lost romantic.
I call it fate & something that was simply meant to be.
I love you Chad.
You are the most amazing person I've ever met, inside & out. You are what I have been waiting for.
everything that has happend, has happend so that I could appreciate you & us & what we have.
Looking foward to the future & the day that I get to wake up & fall asleep beside you knowing that is all I'll ever need is something that puts a smile on my face everyday.
I've realized the importance of finding someone to share everything with.
I've found someone that makes the day go by just knowing I get to end it next to him. Someone who puts a drive behind everything I do, everything I feel & everything that is me.
Call me a love sick fool, call me a lost romantic.
I call it fate & something that was simply meant to be.
I love you Chad.
You are the most amazing person I've ever met, inside & out. You are what I have been waiting for.
everything that has happend, has happend so that I could appreciate you & us & what we have.
Looking foward to the future & the day that I get to wake up & fall asleep beside you knowing that is all I'll ever need is something that puts a smile on my face everyday.
Raindrops.-Apr 22,08
Hold my hand let's chase the sun,
We both know something's begun
Nothin feels that real without you
Wanna learn so much about you,
Shining star i've seen your face,
Everything falls into place
Nothing else seems to matter
You bring me to life
Feels like the raindrops on my skin,
You reach me somewhere deep within
You make my body come alive
You bring me to life
I whisper things you never knew
I can't believe that tonight i'm here with you
You make my body come alive
You bring me to life.
These feelings I have bring me back to the days of high school sweethearts, giddy butterflies, and love letters. Amazing how one person can have the power to change life as you know it. One person can be what you've needed to be truely happy, one person can be everything and mean everything all at once.
Ah, the power of one, the power love. I feel like whipping out my Micheal J Fox shades & Rocking out to some "Power of Love." What once was thought to never be tammed, never be taken, and never slow down has now haulted at the light, pulled over to the slow lane & tamed like a tiger turned kitten. amazing. freaking amazing. & Im not complaining.
I'm in love & loving it. Mandy became Du & now Du has finally become Amanda. say ello to my lil' big panty wearin' friend fellas & good bye to the nutty, party animal Du.
We both know something's begun
Nothin feels that real without you
Wanna learn so much about you,
Shining star i've seen your face,
Everything falls into place
Nothing else seems to matter
You bring me to life
Feels like the raindrops on my skin,
You reach me somewhere deep within
You make my body come alive
You bring me to life
I whisper things you never knew
I can't believe that tonight i'm here with you
You make my body come alive
You bring me to life.
These feelings I have bring me back to the days of high school sweethearts, giddy butterflies, and love letters. Amazing how one person can have the power to change life as you know it. One person can be what you've needed to be truely happy, one person can be everything and mean everything all at once.
Ah, the power of one, the power love. I feel like whipping out my Micheal J Fox shades & Rocking out to some "Power of Love." What once was thought to never be tammed, never be taken, and never slow down has now haulted at the light, pulled over to the slow lane & tamed like a tiger turned kitten. amazing. freaking amazing. & Im not complaining.
I'm in love & loving it. Mandy became Du & now Du has finally become Amanda. say ello to my lil' big panty wearin' friend fellas & good bye to the nutty, party animal Du.
Typewriter.-Apr 07,08
I sometimes wonder if my thoughts could ever become an interesting attempt of a twisted satire novel. If I hardwired my noogin with a typewriter I’m sure I’d be short of stunned at what came out. Not a moment goes by that some spur of the moment blueprint pops into mind or sarcastic quazi-dream. Most of the time I feel less like me and more like a monkey on aderol. Although Im sure they get the less complicated version of things.
My habits are very polar, one extreme or other, never mediocre & usually the kryptonite of my compulsiveness.
Im tired & today has been one heck of day, probably because I did a few things I’ve told myself again and again i wouldnt. I havent been honest to myself or to others & I’m feeling down right shitty.
My habits are very polar, one extreme or other, never mediocre & usually the kryptonite of my compulsiveness.
Im tired & today has been one heck of day, probably because I did a few things I’ve told myself again and again i wouldnt. I havent been honest to myself or to others & I’m feeling down right shitty.
Fusion.-Apr 06,08
If it can be broke then it can be fixed
If it can fused then it can be split
It’s all under control, It’s all under control
If it can be lost then it can be won
If it can be touched then it can be turned
All you need is time, all you need is time
All you need is....
-Block Party
If it can fused then it can be split
It’s all under control, It’s all under control
If it can be lost then it can be won
If it can be touched then it can be turned
All you need is time, all you need is time
All you need is....
-Block Party
Do you know the Muffin Man??-Apr 03,08
MMMmmmmmm, oversized, jumbo super pack sam’s club muffin.... where have you been all my life???? Ah, killing my long night at the gym with a few short bites & instant gratification. Might as well be eating a big mac & chuggin a coke. I asked my mom why she was even buying those things & that they were so un healthy.. blah blah blah.. & here I sit, half the box eatin this week by yours truely.
I suppose my only argument & defense to why she shouldn’t have baught them was because I knew darn well I would devour them, then walk around the corner & bang my head for doing so.
such an odd comodity.
I blame this spure of the moment giddiness. I’m wound up like a tur-ets kid with a microphone. I went to a old place today & saw many familar faces, such a feeling when you know someone is guinunely glad to see you. & in the past there was usually talk of one of my not so found moments, as this place was surrounded by it. & Today I was finally there free of this baggage. I suppose the clerk finally checked my chit at the door. Thank goodness.
What usually consisted of nitty gritty gossip, was replaced with the descriptions of life changes & finally finding that place called home. I’m still floating from talking about it. Someone might want to grab the rip cord & bring me back down... or this muffin from my right hand.
Time for sleep, sweet dreams, & trucking through tomorrow so I can run off for the weekend. I’m ready.
I suppose my only argument & defense to why she shouldn’t have baught them was because I knew darn well I would devour them, then walk around the corner & bang my head for doing so.
such an odd comodity.
I blame this spure of the moment giddiness. I’m wound up like a tur-ets kid with a microphone. I went to a old place today & saw many familar faces, such a feeling when you know someone is guinunely glad to see you. & in the past there was usually talk of one of my not so found moments, as this place was surrounded by it. & Today I was finally there free of this baggage. I suppose the clerk finally checked my chit at the door. Thank goodness.
What usually consisted of nitty gritty gossip, was replaced with the descriptions of life changes & finally finding that place called home. I’m still floating from talking about it. Someone might want to grab the rip cord & bring me back down... or this muffin from my right hand.
Time for sleep, sweet dreams, & trucking through tomorrow so I can run off for the weekend. I’m ready.
Karma is...-Mar 31,08
Once apon time, a girl backed her car into her mom’s car & on a whim thought she could drive away & not get caught. little did she know, this car was parked in a driveway & for someone else to have hit it they would have been really going out of their way (maybe some damn good mail in that mailbox.. who knew..)
Once apon time, an excited mom, anxious to go on her trip overseas, backed out of her garage into her daughter’s car. She claimed it was too dark and the dark car blended in with everything else.
Moral of the Story: Karma is bitch. So is payback. If you run over someone else’s karma theirs in turn will eventually run over yours.
---- hah. I have a lovely new set of scratches to sport just in time for summer. whooptie do.
Once apon time, an excited mom, anxious to go on her trip overseas, backed out of her garage into her daughter’s car. She claimed it was too dark and the dark car blended in with everything else.
Moral of the Story: Karma is bitch. So is payback. If you run over someone else’s karma theirs in turn will eventually run over yours.
---- hah. I have a lovely new set of scratches to sport just in time for summer. whooptie do.
Swollen Peep.-Mar 24,08
Have you ever seen a peep in the microwave? The darn sugary confection swells up in all directions like a pregnant lady. Ah simple amusements.
I feel a bit overexpanded like a peep on the popcorn cycle. Somedays It’s easy like sunday morning, others it’s like a traffic jam on malfunction junction. Ludacris, caotic, & dumfounding.
I often find myself asking the same reaccurring questions and getting the same reaccurring answers. Please, feel free to call me repeat, because I sure as hell know I repeat myself many times over, and usually to no avail.
blah blah blah, yah yah yah yah.
Im just waiting for the day they finally publish my user manual so I can figure these things out. Wheres a table of contents when you need one??
I suppose I will just sit here and stuff my face with easter leftovers and try to confide in my Cocoa Peeps.
Where my Peeps at? hah. lame.
I feel a bit overexpanded like a peep on the popcorn cycle. Somedays It’s easy like sunday morning, others it’s like a traffic jam on malfunction junction. Ludacris, caotic, & dumfounding.
I often find myself asking the same reaccurring questions and getting the same reaccurring answers. Please, feel free to call me repeat, because I sure as hell know I repeat myself many times over, and usually to no avail.
blah blah blah, yah yah yah yah.
Im just waiting for the day they finally publish my user manual so I can figure these things out. Wheres a table of contents when you need one??
I suppose I will just sit here and stuff my face with easter leftovers and try to confide in my Cocoa Peeps.
Where my Peeps at? hah. lame.
Tick Tock.-Mar 21,08
Hussle Bussle, constant calamity, continually chasing like yo sammity
walking in circles, hung up and dried
thrown in the batter, feeling stiff & flashed fried
constant confusion, constant amusing,
wondering mirrored halls, caught up in illusion
rambling riddles, rambling ryhmes
silent of my emotions, mute like a mime
wired like ticking time bomb only counting down the time.
_______
I haven’t written in days, possibly because I’ve been more on the go than a new york transit. Seems the older we get the less time there is in a day, the less time there is to get things done, the less time there is to call your own.
I’m needing some serious me time, to RUNNOFT and just be. no thinking, no analiyzing, no plotting of the master plan. Just simplicity. All I need is the air I breathe and place to rest my head....
It’s Good Friday, suppose to be GOOD right? I think I’ve been cursed at more today than when I was first dumped at boot. I suppose if someone else’s friday isn’t going GOOD then they feel they should insure that someone’s elses doesnt as well. crabby people make for a crabby day. But I duked it out and now have quite the headache to sport.
oh well. time for some asprin and me, myself and i.
walking in circles, hung up and dried
thrown in the batter, feeling stiff & flashed fried
constant confusion, constant amusing,
wondering mirrored halls, caught up in illusion
rambling riddles, rambling ryhmes
silent of my emotions, mute like a mime
wired like ticking time bomb only counting down the time.
_______
I haven’t written in days, possibly because I’ve been more on the go than a new york transit. Seems the older we get the less time there is in a day, the less time there is to get things done, the less time there is to call your own.
I’m needing some serious me time, to RUNNOFT and just be. no thinking, no analiyzing, no plotting of the master plan. Just simplicity. All I need is the air I breathe and place to rest my head....
It’s Good Friday, suppose to be GOOD right? I think I’ve been cursed at more today than when I was first dumped at boot. I suppose if someone else’s friday isn’t going GOOD then they feel they should insure that someone’s elses doesnt as well. crabby people make for a crabby day. But I duked it out and now have quite the headache to sport.
oh well. time for some asprin and me, myself and i.
In the End.-Mar 06,08
Manipulation, fabrication, damnation, frustration....
They can resurrect a thousand words to deceive me, more and more, a thousands words will give the reason why I don't need this, anymore.
I don't have a cruel bone in my body, I was hardwired to help, not hurt. Not to convince the needy of needing anything BUT what they really need. Lies upon, lies, how does one live with themselves and the horrific corporate beast? Is money such a motive that would drive someone to give up dignity and integrity?
Honor. Courage. Commitment.
The Values I swore to protect & honor when took the Oath of the Navy before our country's flag, & although those days are long gone that oath will forever stay with me and everything I do.
Call me a bit dramatically if you will, but I see nothing honorary in the doings of my current employer. The only commitment I see are those committed to swallowing their own sense of dignity for a few dollars here and there. Forced to force non-sense down the throats of others, pushing, insisting like a pack of scowling wolves.
I am to the point of utter aggravation, annoyed with the fact that there are good hearted people out there that dedicate their lives to helping others, to assisting those that save lifes, cure illnesses, and fix aches. Others who work for barely nothing yet give more than any heartless salesman could ever offer. How is it that society has let this happen?
How is it that we are so driven by the dollar that we've blinded ourselves from what really matters.
Perhaps I am just a bit ill at the moment, but if you could only understand my frustrations. I chose to serve our country and defend the freedom of this great nation instead of the typical college route and where did this get me? what do I have to show besides a overwhelming sense of patriotism that most civilians are numb to?
absolutely nothing.
In the world of professionalism and black ties that means absolutely nothing.
So here I sit, exhausting route after route, option after option just trying to find that niche that works. I thought I could go the route of corporate America for a bit, save some money and go about my way, but it has become such a thorn in my side that I loath every day I have to return to that cold, cruel place.
I'm not meant to force feed bullshit to the unsuspected. I'm not meant to put on a fake smile and lie my way through a days work.
I'm meant to smile and tell you how it is, tell you what will help you, and cure what is hurting you. I'm meant to listen and respond.
... I'm done ranting for now, even though this probably all looks like a bunch of hooplah it served it's purpose to me. It reminds me of what matters to myself.
At the end of the day, nothing else matters, no one else went through the day with you, came home with you, and laid down to rest with you. At the end of the day there is only you, your thoughts and your instincts.
Mine are telling me to go.
They can resurrect a thousand words to deceive me, more and more, a thousands words will give the reason why I don't need this, anymore.
I don't have a cruel bone in my body, I was hardwired to help, not hurt. Not to convince the needy of needing anything BUT what they really need. Lies upon, lies, how does one live with themselves and the horrific corporate beast? Is money such a motive that would drive someone to give up dignity and integrity?
Honor. Courage. Commitment.
The Values I swore to protect & honor when took the Oath of the Navy before our country's flag, & although those days are long gone that oath will forever stay with me and everything I do.
Call me a bit dramatically if you will, but I see nothing honorary in the doings of my current employer. The only commitment I see are those committed to swallowing their own sense of dignity for a few dollars here and there. Forced to force non-sense down the throats of others, pushing, insisting like a pack of scowling wolves.
I am to the point of utter aggravation, annoyed with the fact that there are good hearted people out there that dedicate their lives to helping others, to assisting those that save lifes, cure illnesses, and fix aches. Others who work for barely nothing yet give more than any heartless salesman could ever offer. How is it that society has let this happen?
How is it that we are so driven by the dollar that we've blinded ourselves from what really matters.
Perhaps I am just a bit ill at the moment, but if you could only understand my frustrations. I chose to serve our country and defend the freedom of this great nation instead of the typical college route and where did this get me? what do I have to show besides a overwhelming sense of patriotism that most civilians are numb to?
absolutely nothing.
In the world of professionalism and black ties that means absolutely nothing.
So here I sit, exhausting route after route, option after option just trying to find that niche that works. I thought I could go the route of corporate America for a bit, save some money and go about my way, but it has become such a thorn in my side that I loath every day I have to return to that cold, cruel place.
I'm not meant to force feed bullshit to the unsuspected. I'm not meant to put on a fake smile and lie my way through a days work.
I'm meant to smile and tell you how it is, tell you what will help you, and cure what is hurting you. I'm meant to listen and respond.
... I'm done ranting for now, even though this probably all looks like a bunch of hooplah it served it's purpose to me. It reminds me of what matters to myself.
At the end of the day, nothing else matters, no one else went through the day with you, came home with you, and laid down to rest with you. At the end of the day there is only you, your thoughts and your instincts.
Mine are telling me to go.
So let go. Jump in. Oh well what you waiting for?- Feb 25,08
"...its alright, cause there's beauty in the breakdown.."-Frou Frou
I'm debating on deleting my ms account, after having it for almost 3 years. Funny how something so trival could be so highly debated in my mind.
I often find myself pee-daddlin' on here late at night when there's nothing else to do catching up with old friends & just goofing around. What use to be just a passer-by has seemed to create more bad than good here lately, probably because of all the loose ties & open doors it creates.
Im finding myself to be more focused than ever on the future & where I am going in efforts to build this. One of my biggest obsticals has been letting many things from the past go, as much as I hate to say it, I am a bit of a dweller & a self admitting pack rat.
First things First, gotta let all that ju ju go. (Which I must admit, i've been doing very darn good for myself on this one)
Secondly, gotta de-pack all my packed up goods, Simplify the closet so to speak. it's starting to look a tad too messy for the likes of me. =P which means, if I dont finally bid adieu, I'm going to sweep things out a bit and untie some ties that should have been let go years ago.
Never did I think I would do a total 360 in a matter of a year, but I have & I'm ready to let go of aspects that don't matter anymore & embrace those that do.
Family, Faith, & Future.
You meet many people along this journey called life, & they walk in and walk out just as quickly as they came. What matters are not those drop in for idle chit chat from time to time, but those that you know will always be there when you need someone without ever having to say a word. It's those friends that I want there from here on out, it's all the others, those lose ends that don't care, don't know, and don't want to that Im ready to cut off.
It has to be done at somepoint. better sooner than later.
I'm debating on deleting my ms account, after having it for almost 3 years. Funny how something so trival could be so highly debated in my mind.
I often find myself pee-daddlin' on here late at night when there's nothing else to do catching up with old friends & just goofing around. What use to be just a passer-by has seemed to create more bad than good here lately, probably because of all the loose ties & open doors it creates.
Im finding myself to be more focused than ever on the future & where I am going in efforts to build this. One of my biggest obsticals has been letting many things from the past go, as much as I hate to say it, I am a bit of a dweller & a self admitting pack rat.
First things First, gotta let all that ju ju go. (Which I must admit, i've been doing very darn good for myself on this one)
Secondly, gotta de-pack all my packed up goods, Simplify the closet so to speak. it's starting to look a tad too messy for the likes of me. =P which means, if I dont finally bid adieu, I'm going to sweep things out a bit and untie some ties that should have been let go years ago.
Never did I think I would do a total 360 in a matter of a year, but I have & I'm ready to let go of aspects that don't matter anymore & embrace those that do.
Family, Faith, & Future.
You meet many people along this journey called life, & they walk in and walk out just as quickly as they came. What matters are not those drop in for idle chit chat from time to time, but those that you know will always be there when you need someone without ever having to say a word. It's those friends that I want there from here on out, it's all the others, those lose ends that don't care, don't know, and don't want to that Im ready to cut off.
It has to be done at somepoint. better sooner than later.
Trampoline.-Feb 20,08
I love how we have the ability to bounce back from anything without even trying. I love that I love you.
meant to be is an understatement.
we were made for each other.
One day soon we will end this charade and begin our journey as one.
meant to be is an understatement.
we were made for each other.
One day soon we will end this charade and begin our journey as one.
Breathe. Release. Breathe.-Feb 07,08
Silence is a deadly weapon to the heart.
I thought I was getting along just fine, I thought I could do this.
I can't. I miss you.
writing makes it worse, but I can't stop writing, I can't stop trying to release this overwhelming of emotions inside me.
I loved you.
I thought I finally had it right, I made a mistake.
You made mistakes, I forgave.
Why can't you do the same?
I thought I was getting along just fine, I thought I could do this.
I can't. I miss you.
writing makes it worse, but I can't stop writing, I can't stop trying to release this overwhelming of emotions inside me.
I loved you.
I thought I finally had it right, I made a mistake.
You made mistakes, I forgave.
Why can't you do the same?
I smell..sniff..sniff..FEAR.-Feb 05,08
You smell that rabbit? .. Sniff.. Sniff... Yep, FEAR. haha
No, I'm not fearful, just trying to give myself a laugh. I'm exhausted, I've been elbow deep in work materials since I got home, yick. I gotta get this mess right or I'll be headed right out the door. bad ju ju.
I've got a case of the bubblies tonight. Thank goodness I have no guest. (or any in the room at that)
Did I just say that? whoops.
Life is good. or atleast getting there. comming to terms with the terms of my fate. yippy skippy.
What's meant to be will be or be a memory.
We sha'll see, althought I am pretty certain I already know the outcome of this.
Game Over.
No, I'm not fearful, just trying to give myself a laugh. I'm exhausted, I've been elbow deep in work materials since I got home, yick. I gotta get this mess right or I'll be headed right out the door. bad ju ju.
I've got a case of the bubblies tonight. Thank goodness I have no guest. (or any in the room at that)
Did I just say that? whoops.
Life is good. or atleast getting there. comming to terms with the terms of my fate. yippy skippy.
What's meant to be will be or be a memory.
We sha'll see, althought I am pretty certain I already know the outcome of this.
Game Over.
Unrequited Poem.-Feb 04,08
Time moves on ever so slow
These memories of us refuse to go
Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you
Questions with no answers
Oh how I wish I knew
What seemed so perfect
meant to be
drastically changed
Our Bittersweet Destiny
How I wish words spoken could disapear
How I long for patience & forgiveness my dear
Very aware of my careless mistakes
There's only one thing to say as my heart breaks
I will hold you close in this heart of mine
Forever cherished,
for all time
For with or without you
you will always be
The only one who got a hold on me.
These memories of us refuse to go
Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you
Questions with no answers
Oh how I wish I knew
What seemed so perfect
meant to be
drastically changed
Our Bittersweet Destiny
How I wish words spoken could disapear
How I long for patience & forgiveness my dear
Very aware of my careless mistakes
There's only one thing to say as my heart breaks
I will hold you close in this heart of mine
Forever cherished,
for all time
For with or without you
you will always be
The only one who got a hold on me.
Hangover.-Feb 03,08
I kept both hands firmly planted on my noggin as I stumbled down the stairs to find some grubbage.
"Ah, my head. IT HURRTTTSSSSS..." I sputtered out to which my grandfather grinned and replied
"Yeah, If i had a head like that it would hurt too!"
hah.
Oh the parrells of a hangover.
"Ah, my head. IT HURRTTTSSSSS..." I sputtered out to which my grandfather grinned and replied
"Yeah, If i had a head like that it would hurt too!"
hah.
Oh the parrells of a hangover.
Aspirin & Water.-Feb 03,08
Oh my head. I drank way too much last night, sent unnecessary text messages (ah yes, the infamous drunk texting strikes again!) & made my situation far more worse off and complicated then it was.
alcohol is not my friend.
I awoke this morning to an array of messages that I had no idea what spawned them.
I repented like a catholic school boy caught eating the teacher's apple. Let's just hope that it is understood that I meant NONE of what i said.
yikes. I am taking some aspirin and zonking out for the afternoon.
a day going to be well wasted, yet another reason I gave up drinking long ago.
alcohol is not my friend.
I awoke this morning to an array of messages that I had no idea what spawned them.
I repented like a catholic school boy caught eating the teacher's apple. Let's just hope that it is understood that I meant NONE of what i said.
yikes. I am taking some aspirin and zonking out for the afternoon.
a day going to be well wasted, yet another reason I gave up drinking long ago.
Will Ya stop hitting the Slow-Mo already???- Jan 31,08
Ah the way loneliness can make one feel. Amazing what it can reduce you to do.
I found myself aimlessly woundering the isles of walmart comparing and contrasting the stripes on bathroom towels or the softness of Charmin vs Southern Quilted. gee, have I become that consumed with the ever so demanding task of staying pre-occupied?
Seriously you would think I would have nipped it in the bud by now, and slowly but surely I am. I'm still burying my head in that book with the ice cream pale on the cover searching for ways to gain solice and peace of mind. (which quite frankly only makes me think of things that much more, but in a more comical light.)
Time is moving at a very, very slow pace as if some prankster mashed the slow-mo button and is sitting back giggling at the slurriness.
As much as it takes for me to admit it, I really do hate the sound of saying " I am alone", yet the optimistic side of me keeps reassuring that things will work out and although I may indeed be alone now, it will be worth the wait.
So back I go into the books, the isles of bathroom towels, and endless nights at the gym.
At least I can say one good thing does come from me being hurt, I always do end up in the best shape afterwards! hah. a little self medication never hurt anyone no?
Although he is in one place and I am in another and where I am is where I'd like for him to be, I can't help but have a false sense of hope, maybe because I know in my heart that I was what he wanted and he was what I needed and such is a rare balance.
Perhaps I am just babbling on, trying to make sense of it all. Procrastinating on healing because I am not ready to be healed......
I found myself aimlessly woundering the isles of walmart comparing and contrasting the stripes on bathroom towels or the softness of Charmin vs Southern Quilted. gee, have I become that consumed with the ever so demanding task of staying pre-occupied?
Seriously you would think I would have nipped it in the bud by now, and slowly but surely I am. I'm still burying my head in that book with the ice cream pale on the cover searching for ways to gain solice and peace of mind. (which quite frankly only makes me think of things that much more, but in a more comical light.)
Time is moving at a very, very slow pace as if some prankster mashed the slow-mo button and is sitting back giggling at the slurriness.
As much as it takes for me to admit it, I really do hate the sound of saying " I am alone", yet the optimistic side of me keeps reassuring that things will work out and although I may indeed be alone now, it will be worth the wait.
So back I go into the books, the isles of bathroom towels, and endless nights at the gym.
At least I can say one good thing does come from me being hurt, I always do end up in the best shape afterwards! hah. a little self medication never hurt anyone no?
Although he is in one place and I am in another and where I am is where I'd like for him to be, I can't help but have a false sense of hope, maybe because I know in my heart that I was what he wanted and he was what I needed and such is a rare balance.
Perhaps I am just babbling on, trying to make sense of it all. Procrastinating on healing because I am not ready to be healed......
Gone.-Jan 31,08
Wow. I just sat down and released so much in writing, only to hit post and have it all gone with a blink of an eye.
dang.
I guess those words were not meant to be read. Even though it wasn't even anything the slightest bit negative, only good. Perhaps it was meant to only serve it's purpose with me, and that it did.
oh well.
dang.
I guess those words were not meant to be read. Even though it wasn't even anything the slightest bit negative, only good. Perhaps it was meant to only serve it's purpose with me, and that it did.
oh well.
Ice cream & Robots.-Jan 29,08
Ah yes, tis a tangled web I am always weaving. Tis a tangled self creation that does nothing but get in the way & make me stumble.
down, down, down the ring of fia! the ring of fia! (but of course not the steaming, hott good ring Cash was so lucky to have, but the cluster fak of a bad ju ju ring I find myself face down in)
Oie,stinkin' vay.
My sisters always mock me saying I am a bonified "drama creator", I'd like to think of it more as a motion picture producer. Black and white, with droning characters faking lines over and over. Welcome to my tragic kingdom! All aboard! .. hah, i think not.
Maybe I am just a pessimist hiding behind my comedic forte. Laugh it off right? Shake a leg, break a leg.. something along those lines...
Maybe I am just crazy and just fortunate enough to escape the parrells of a stray jacket and pillow walls.
Of course, I do so love talking to myself when no one else listens. Seems to be the trend I am on here lately. I have isolated myself from everything I had known before, and for what? a waste of freakin' time. Never again, Never again.
Im done for now, it's raining out and Im enjoying the sound of water cascading down my window Paine. =)
---------
It's said that it's easier to get over a breakup when you let go instead of dwell. Well, I am a dweller from hell and I dwell on things worse than a midget in a rat hole. Not really a good thing, but something I am use to non the less.
I still ask myself that retarded inevitable breakup question "what's wrong with me?" "what did I do wrong?" and always get the same inevitable retarded answer "i have no idea"
geeeezz, you think i would have learned by now. But oh no no, I have not, or perhaps I am just in denial of that fact that I am 25 and I damn sure know better...
So here I sit reading silly pointless novelity books like "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and "He's just not that into you" trying to shed some light on this hollow heartache feeling. A feeling a fled from for the past few years, dodging every chance that came too close for comfort with the only intentions of protecting what mattered.
Myself and my heart.
My hardass gitup has suited me just fine all this time, but then he came along and changed everything. Down the walls went, away went all the broken memories and there it was, ripe for the taking. my heart. I put myself out there, thinking "this is it", no doubt, no regrets, no worries.
Everything was a perfect for awhile, there was nothing questionable about it, everything "just worked" then wham! bam! son of sam all it took was one fight for all of the euphoria to melt and the stone to show.
So back to my sitting and dwelling. It didn't take him long to make plans and run off with his backwoods buddies to drink, something he said he had lost interest in doing and wanted other things more. (hah, are you finding that to be as big of a crock as I am?)
As much as I would like to have some backwoods buddies of my own, I am finding it harder to leap back into the life that was me before. Mainly because I have lost interest in the crowded clubs, nameless faces, and drunken nights. If anything, the only thing good I can say that has come from this is an awakening of what matters. Time to focus, time to grow, time to make myself into that person I want to be.
Forget the over crowded social scene.
Forget the lonely, desperate dating scene.
Time for me. No time for anything else.
down, down, down the ring of fia! the ring of fia! (but of course not the steaming, hott good ring Cash was so lucky to have, but the cluster fak of a bad ju ju ring I find myself face down in)
Oie,stinkin' vay.
My sisters always mock me saying I am a bonified "drama creator", I'd like to think of it more as a motion picture producer. Black and white, with droning characters faking lines over and over. Welcome to my tragic kingdom! All aboard! .. hah, i think not.
Maybe I am just a pessimist hiding behind my comedic forte. Laugh it off right? Shake a leg, break a leg.. something along those lines...
Maybe I am just crazy and just fortunate enough to escape the parrells of a stray jacket and pillow walls.
Of course, I do so love talking to myself when no one else listens. Seems to be the trend I am on here lately. I have isolated myself from everything I had known before, and for what? a waste of freakin' time. Never again, Never again.
Im done for now, it's raining out and Im enjoying the sound of water cascading down my window Paine. =)
---------
It's said that it's easier to get over a breakup when you let go instead of dwell. Well, I am a dweller from hell and I dwell on things worse than a midget in a rat hole. Not really a good thing, but something I am use to non the less.
I still ask myself that retarded inevitable breakup question "what's wrong with me?" "what did I do wrong?" and always get the same inevitable retarded answer "i have no idea"
geeeezz, you think i would have learned by now. But oh no no, I have not, or perhaps I am just in denial of that fact that I am 25 and I damn sure know better...
So here I sit reading silly pointless novelity books like "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and "He's just not that into you" trying to shed some light on this hollow heartache feeling. A feeling a fled from for the past few years, dodging every chance that came too close for comfort with the only intentions of protecting what mattered.
Myself and my heart.
My hardass gitup has suited me just fine all this time, but then he came along and changed everything. Down the walls went, away went all the broken memories and there it was, ripe for the taking. my heart. I put myself out there, thinking "this is it", no doubt, no regrets, no worries.
Everything was a perfect for awhile, there was nothing questionable about it, everything "just worked" then wham! bam! son of sam all it took was one fight for all of the euphoria to melt and the stone to show.
So back to my sitting and dwelling. It didn't take him long to make plans and run off with his backwoods buddies to drink, something he said he had lost interest in doing and wanted other things more. (hah, are you finding that to be as big of a crock as I am?)
As much as I would like to have some backwoods buddies of my own, I am finding it harder to leap back into the life that was me before. Mainly because I have lost interest in the crowded clubs, nameless faces, and drunken nights. If anything, the only thing good I can say that has come from this is an awakening of what matters. Time to focus, time to grow, time to make myself into that person I want to be.
Forget the over crowded social scene.
Forget the lonely, desperate dating scene.
Time for me. No time for anything else.
Holding Out.-Jan 28,08
Holding out and holding on
squeezing what's left until it's gone
Perhaps what was certain
was never meant to be
perhaps what I felt for you
you never felt for me
Love is blind, Love is bliss
If only we could go back
away from this hollow abyss
back to when you held me
back to when you cared
back to when this was more
than just feelings we shared
Holding out and Holding on
How much longer my love before it's all gone?
squeezing what's left until it's gone
Perhaps what was certain
was never meant to be
perhaps what I felt for you
you never felt for me
Love is blind, Love is bliss
If only we could go back
away from this hollow abyss
back to when you held me
back to when you cared
back to when this was more
than just feelings we shared
Holding out and Holding on
How much longer my love before it's all gone?
(Like you will ever take the time to read any of this, most of the time when I write it's read by everyone but who it's written for... that's usually how it goes isn't it?)
Blessings.-Jan 27,08
If I would have come face to face with the person I am today years ago I would have smirked & said "hah, never in a million.." but like everything else in this world, with time I've grown.
This past year was a turning point for my life.finally turning off that misdirected road I had mistakenly been trailing down far too long and onto one that looks more promising.
I've felt feelings I never could have imagined I had within me.I've accomplished things I use to just envy. & I've surrounded myself with people that have made me better without even trying.
If I would have come face to face with the person I was then now I would simply shake my head & mutter "what a pity."
Things really do happen for a reason, although I may have shaken my fists at the sky & screamed out "why, God,why?! Why me?" I now know why, patience is indeed a virtue and good things do come to those who wait.
I have waited, sometimes patiently, sometimes weary. But waited non the less and now my good things are finally all around me.
Blessings come in the simplest forms and when counted become something much grander. I am blessed with the air I breathe, the smiles I see and the smiles I give, the love I feel and a passion that's made me feel alive.
Even if things don't end up how I'd like them to be, at least I know in my heart I'm a better person and I now know what is important in this life. Not the cars, the money, the materials that occupy our time, but the simple things that make it worth living.
If only I could come face to face with that lackadaisical, non-shalant little punk I was I would tell her "drop the walls, stop hiding and start living"
"It's only when the walls are dropped that you can really begin to see.."
This past year was a turning point for my life.finally turning off that misdirected road I had mistakenly been trailing down far too long and onto one that looks more promising.
I've felt feelings I never could have imagined I had within me.I've accomplished things I use to just envy. & I've surrounded myself with people that have made me better without even trying.
If I would have come face to face with the person I was then now I would simply shake my head & mutter "what a pity."
Things really do happen for a reason, although I may have shaken my fists at the sky & screamed out "why, God,why?! Why me?" I now know why, patience is indeed a virtue and good things do come to those who wait.
I have waited, sometimes patiently, sometimes weary. But waited non the less and now my good things are finally all around me.
Blessings come in the simplest forms and when counted become something much grander. I am blessed with the air I breathe, the smiles I see and the smiles I give, the love I feel and a passion that's made me feel alive.
Even if things don't end up how I'd like them to be, at least I know in my heart I'm a better person and I now know what is important in this life. Not the cars, the money, the materials that occupy our time, but the simple things that make it worth living.
If only I could come face to face with that lackadaisical, non-shalant little punk I was I would tell her "drop the walls, stop hiding and start living"
"It's only when the walls are dropped that you can really begin to see.."
Force of Gravity.-Jan 27,08
"I Remember the words we use to speak The promises made have turned to all apologies
The weight of a storm, our memories
Still you fly to fight the force of gravity
I remember the days
I still could breathe
Now I'm sinking beneath the waves are crashing over me
The empty space that lay betweenIs all that's left of where our love was meant to be.."
Castles Crumble. -Jan 19,08
No one is perfect
We know this is true
I have hope in us, I have hope in you
My walls you tore down
You saw what's inside
I let you in, put away foolish pride
I gave another chance,
even after promising I wouldn't
everything fit so perfectly
there was no way I couldn't
Now as our castle crumbles
Im left crying in the sand
lost and alone
I stare at the markings on my hand
"Guard your heart Prov 4:23"
as I ask myself How could this be?
You were what I've looked for
what I've wanted all along
with you I had a home
a place I belong
& as the sand falls from my weary hand
I force myself up
I force myself to stand
If love is blind, then love surely can't see
what it's done and doing to me...
We know this is true
I have hope in us, I have hope in you
My walls you tore down
You saw what's inside
I let you in, put away foolish pride
I gave another chance,
even after promising I wouldn't
everything fit so perfectly
there was no way I couldn't
Now as our castle crumbles
Im left crying in the sand
lost and alone
I stare at the markings on my hand
"Guard your heart Prov 4:23"
as I ask myself How could this be?
You were what I've looked for
what I've wanted all along
with you I had a home
a place I belong
& as the sand falls from my weary hand
I force myself up
I force myself to stand
If love is blind, then love surely can't see
what it's done and doing to me...
*I made a mistake I clearly know this, I was wrong in my doings, for I wrecked our bliss. If you believe in a second chance, here I stand waiting and wishing for that glance.
Back into your arms is where I long to be, back into your heart, back where love could see. We fit together like puzzle pieces should, I never second guessed you I always understood. I must work on myself, I must figure things out, for loosing you would be a huge mistake I have no doubt. Patiently I will wait hoping you might come back........ True love is worth waiting for, I will wait as long as need be. For without you there is no love left in me.
If Only...-Jan 15,08
He could have felt this way...
....perhaps I blame most of my faults and emotional barriers on him...or the lack there of...perhaps all I have ever wanted was to feel unconditionally loved.perhaps my own weakness is my own my doing.I constantly try, I constantly fail, constantly I give more than can be taken, constantly I am left searching for reasons, for answers, for the words " I am proud"
....perhaps I blame most of my faults and emotional barriers on him...or the lack there of...perhaps all I have ever wanted was to feel unconditionally loved.perhaps my own weakness is my own my doing.I constantly try, I constantly fail, constantly I give more than can be taken, constantly I am left searching for reasons, for answers, for the words " I am proud"
Smiles Convey.-Jan 09,08
I see you & a smile crosses my face
These old rusty feelings finally being replaced
broken are the walls I built with compromise
broken are the jokes, a guard in disguise
truth be shown, step into the light
I'm falling so hard & not trying to fight
"it just works" & it works so
with every smile this all shows
Im loving this, Im loving you
with out doubt I'm certain it's true
you are my angel i've waited for
vous êtes mon compagnon d'âme, Mon amour.
These old rusty feelings finally being replaced
broken are the walls I built with compromise
broken are the jokes, a guard in disguise
truth be shown, step into the light
I'm falling so hard & not trying to fight
"it just works" & it works so
with every smile this all shows
Im loving this, Im loving you
with out doubt I'm certain it's true
you are my angel i've waited for
vous êtes mon compagnon d'âme, Mon amour.
***Finally finished from Oct 21, 2007.***
Profesional Worrier: Experienced. Will work for food or a penny.(for thoughts)-Jan 09,08
My sister always jokes that I stress over the tinniest of things & have been since I was a young pup, funny thing is she hit the nail right on the head. I prefer the term "professional worrier" just makes it sound more legit than a worry wort or down right cry baby.
So what if im pulling my hair out cause my job isn't going as planned, my car keeps breaking, and nothing seems to come together..even with the assistance of crazy glue...
bad luck perhaps?
I think someone snatched all the rabbit's feet and gave me the heap of fur that was left. too bad I didn't have any googly eyes handy to make a festive poof.
I'm not really sure where I went wrong, or in that matter keep going wrong. maybe I should have stopped to ask for directions at some point in time, but of course I am as stubborn as an old man driving a bus full of kids. Think I'm going to pull over for one minute? oh heck no, Im going to keep on truckin' that mess til' it gits where it's going.
One minute I am on top of old smokey ... all covered with cheese... and then yes, I loose that poor meatball cause some smucko sneezed..
Pieces of a puzzle naturally fit together some how some way, so by god I'm going to keep jammin' those *&^@&$!!!! til' they fit.
Rest your faith in a higher power, eventually that higher power will come through, faith in the big cat above. It's all one can do to get things right.
& believe me, I'll get it.
I just keep having to tell myself that and one day it just might happen. (either that or just keep writing non-sense to remind myself to unwind and de-stress-ify.)
woa is me.
I'm so tired the walls are waving hello.
Time for bed.
rest and rejuvenate.
Goodnight.
So what if im pulling my hair out cause my job isn't going as planned, my car keeps breaking, and nothing seems to come together..even with the assistance of crazy glue...
bad luck perhaps?
I think someone snatched all the rabbit's feet and gave me the heap of fur that was left. too bad I didn't have any googly eyes handy to make a festive poof.
I'm not really sure where I went wrong, or in that matter keep going wrong. maybe I should have stopped to ask for directions at some point in time, but of course I am as stubborn as an old man driving a bus full of kids. Think I'm going to pull over for one minute? oh heck no, Im going to keep on truckin' that mess til' it gits where it's going.
One minute I am on top of old smokey ... all covered with cheese... and then yes, I loose that poor meatball cause some smucko sneezed..
Pieces of a puzzle naturally fit together some how some way, so by god I'm going to keep jammin' those *&^@&$!!!! til' they fit.
Rest your faith in a higher power, eventually that higher power will come through, faith in the big cat above. It's all one can do to get things right.
& believe me, I'll get it.
I just keep having to tell myself that and one day it just might happen. (either that or just keep writing non-sense to remind myself to unwind and de-stress-ify.)
woa is me.
I'm so tired the walls are waving hello.
Time for bed.
rest and rejuvenate.
Goodnight.
We.-Jan 08,08
Falling apart at the seams, tearing away slowly but surely, we stumbled and we fall now can we recover from it all?
Surely this isn't leading us to an end of what was only beginning.
Forgive me for not being good at these sort of things....
Surely this isn't leading us to an end of what was only beginning.
Forgive me for not being good at these sort of things....
Water over Stone. -Dec 26,07
For as long as I have known I have trusted in myself & no one else,
for as long as I can remember I have kept my heart on my sleeve and usually sported tank tops,
now there's a pounding in my chest I can't ignore, a warm feeling that's rushed over me like water over stone
I want to retreat, back to my normalcy,
where I am safe,
If Im not protecting myself then who is?
"You tore these walls down around me, Looks like you found me.. now I know why,
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning.."-Nickelback
for as long as I can remember I have kept my heart on my sleeve and usually sported tank tops,
now there's a pounding in my chest I can't ignore, a warm feeling that's rushed over me like water over stone
I want to retreat, back to my normalcy,
where I am safe,
If Im not protecting myself then who is?
"You tore these walls down around me, Looks like you found me.. now I know why,
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning.."-Nickelback
Pendulum of Thoughts.-Dec 18,07
*A revision of a poem I wrote in 03*
Endless time does go by
unforgiving, it makes us cry,
Oh saddened tears why do you come?
brought by the clock's deceptive pendulum
Nostalgic pain it does bring-
But the pendulum, still it swings,
Oh weary heart-
Shed this strain
rid my mind of all this pain,
Beautiful light it reaches within
longing to destroy this emotionless Berlin,
How the angel, he sings to me
of un-dying love,
sweet destiny,
Oh glorious angel I hear your song-
my tainted mind it does wrong,
Give me strength, angel dear-
from my anger-consuming fears,
So rise I may to my feet
escape to happiness
from the pendulum's deceit.
unforgiving, it makes us cry,
Oh saddened tears why do you come?
brought by the clock's deceptive pendulum
Nostalgic pain it does bring-
But the pendulum, still it swings,
Oh weary heart-
Shed this strain
rid my mind of all this pain,
Beautiful light it reaches within
longing to destroy this emotionless Berlin,
How the angel, he sings to me
of un-dying love,
sweet destiny,
Oh glorious angel I hear your song-
my tainted mind it does wrong,
Give me strength, angel dear-
from my anger-consuming fears,
So rise I may to my feet
escape to happiness
from the pendulum's deceit.
Am I? -Dec 11,07
"Am I some where in the corners of your mind?
Do you see me when you close your eyes at night?…
Am I far away?
Or am I on your mind?"
Do you see me when you close your eyes at night?…
Am I far away?
Or am I on your mind?"
Sheep or not to Sheep. That is the question.-Dec 03,07
Ah yes I was shaking like a Lee-Roy & for what?
A never ending dimly lit hallway surrounded by rows & rows of cubicles & the occasional forehead peaking through, I wish I would have had my whack-a-mole mallet, then it might have been slightly entertaining...
Impressed? hardly.
I felt like an antsy toddler sitting in time out.
to sit in one place (v): the hardest challenge in my life thus far.. there's a fire under my arse, to git, git and go.
Bagels, Donuts, Coffee & a desk were never my forte. (Time to R-U-N-N-O-F-T no? haha)
I am optimistic!!! energetic!!!! (& totally using "!" like a worn out rent a cop convincing himself he's the law) of my new opportunity, no reason for hum-bum whoa is me's (oh whoa is me, off the record of course) yet that lovely "golden plate of opportunity" has just served me a heaping side of Lima beans. (now to you that may sound gross, but to an odd-ity like me, it's "oh yum yum I'm gunna git sum!! woooo ditty!!")
My passion I have found lies in the lovely field of Oral Exams & Bite wings. What can I say, I don't mind getting down and dirty diggin' in someones mouth, just as long as I can make that one tooth left look good.(hah) & In an attempt to let a Dr who's had interest in hiring me aware that I had fallen prey to the Salesman trap, I was made yet another offer. Not quite as gleaming as the Salesman bling BUT very, very dam near close. (minus the incentives.. yada yada, that is IF I was even able to convince someone to buy something..)
To stay or not to stay, that is now the question.
So here I sit once again faced with a decision.
Go with where my passion lies, Go with what puts a whopping smile on my face day in day out..
(but ironically is located in a bad part of town. as in walk outside BANG.BANG. your dead kinda part. my luck.)
or stay and become another dark circled, worn out sheep in the heard. (but a rich, safe sheep none the less)
Baaaaah.
Ah, tangled web we weave.
Anyone have any scissors?? (or perhaps a sheep shaver ?)
A never ending dimly lit hallway surrounded by rows & rows of cubicles & the occasional forehead peaking through, I wish I would have had my whack-a-mole mallet, then it might have been slightly entertaining...
Impressed? hardly.
I felt like an antsy toddler sitting in time out.
to sit in one place (v): the hardest challenge in my life thus far.. there's a fire under my arse, to git, git and go.
Bagels, Donuts, Coffee & a desk were never my forte. (Time to R-U-N-N-O-F-T no? haha)
I am optimistic!!! energetic!!!! (& totally using "!" like a worn out rent a cop convincing himself he's the law) of my new opportunity, no reason for hum-bum whoa is me's (oh whoa is me, off the record of course) yet that lovely "golden plate of opportunity" has just served me a heaping side of Lima beans. (now to you that may sound gross, but to an odd-ity like me, it's "oh yum yum I'm gunna git sum!! woooo ditty!!")
My passion I have found lies in the lovely field of Oral Exams & Bite wings. What can I say, I don't mind getting down and dirty diggin' in someones mouth, just as long as I can make that one tooth left look good.(hah) & In an attempt to let a Dr who's had interest in hiring me aware that I had fallen prey to the Salesman trap, I was made yet another offer. Not quite as gleaming as the Salesman bling BUT very, very dam near close. (minus the incentives.. yada yada, that is IF I was even able to convince someone to buy something..)
To stay or not to stay, that is now the question.
So here I sit once again faced with a decision.
Go with where my passion lies, Go with what puts a whopping smile on my face day in day out..
(but ironically is located in a bad part of town. as in walk outside BANG.BANG. your dead kinda part. my luck.)
or stay and become another dark circled, worn out sheep in the heard. (but a rich, safe sheep none the less)
Baaaaah.
Ah, tangled web we weave.
Anyone have any scissors?? (or perhaps a sheep shaver ?)
Linger. -Nov 28,07
"& so another journey has to come to an end..
another moment passed that will not,
will not come again
Embrace, this joy, this pain
don't miss this chance, it will not come again
This meant more than anyone will ever know
But I can't linger
where the moss will slowly grow...."
-Tiger Army
another moment passed that will not,
will not come again
Embrace, this joy, this pain
don't miss this chance, it will not come again
This meant more than anyone will ever know
But I can't linger
where the moss will slowly grow...."
-Tiger Army
Fine Line.-Nov 27,07
Where do we draw the line between happiness & success?
What if something brings one but not the other, ofcourse, there is always personal success, there are always personal goals, dreams that motivate us to keep going no matter what.
Lately I have found myself walking a thin line, happiness on one side and success on the other....
Why does the decision have to be so hard?
No one seems to understand the struggle within...
What if something brings one but not the other, ofcourse, there is always personal success, there are always personal goals, dreams that motivate us to keep going no matter what.
Lately I have found myself walking a thin line, happiness on one side and success on the other....
Why does the decision have to be so hard?
No one seems to understand the struggle within...
Dusty Light. -Nov 23,07
Light seeps through a hazy window illuminating sparkles of dust in the air around me. I sit & watch as it whirls around my face admiring it's dance of freedom. To move without a care, floating high above the cold ground, unaffected by earth's unforgiving gravity.
….Weightless like a feather, free as a dove, unknowing of emotions, sadness, happiness, hate & love. ….
…So much have these eyes seen, so much has this heart felt, so much kept in, bitter sweet this hand life dealt.
Thousands of thoughts come & go like cars in rush hour traffic. Bunched up but for only that moment, then scattered apart to go separate ways.
I wouldn't be who I am today had I not lived this black & white tale of a life. Some things thankful others are as unwanted as the memories they left behind……….
….Weightless like a feather, free as a dove, unknowing of emotions, sadness, happiness, hate & love. ….
…So much have these eyes seen, so much has this heart felt, so much kept in, bitter sweet this hand life dealt.
Thousands of thoughts come & go like cars in rush hour traffic. Bunched up but for only that moment, then scattered apart to go separate ways.
I wouldn't be who I am today had I not lived this black & white tale of a life. Some things thankful others are as unwanted as the memories they left behind……….
Abandoned. -Nov 19,07
Sometimes a road that felt so right comes to an abrupt end leaving a decision of which one to take next.
Things happen for a reason, If there is a higher power watching over us, then you can only help but rest your faith in it and in yourself.
I feel as if I have given up on a dream, abandoned a road I was once so excited to take. I can only hope my life will lead me back to this road when the right time comes.
Keep Smiling. Keep faith. Just keep swiming. ha.
I am a wreck right now. Worse than a blind man in rush hour traffic.
Things happen for a reason, If there is a higher power watching over us, then you can only help but rest your faith in it and in yourself.
I feel as if I have given up on a dream, abandoned a road I was once so excited to take. I can only hope my life will lead me back to this road when the right time comes.
Keep Smiling. Keep faith. Just keep swiming. ha.
I am a wreck right now. Worse than a blind man in rush hour traffic.
The Norm. -Nov 14,07
I had a dream I was a normal person living a normal life..
...so does that mean I am an oddball missing normalacy?
Hrm.
...so does that mean I am an oddball missing normalacy?
Hrm.
Call me a dumbarse.. - Nov 08,07
... but I stayed.
Im not much of a risk taker type anymore. Guess that's why I could use those "balls". ha.
"What you thought was real in life, has somehow steered you wrong, & now you just keep driving trying to find where you belong...."-3 Doors Down
Im not much of a risk taker type anymore. Guess that's why I could use those "balls". ha.
"What you thought was real in life, has somehow steered you wrong, & now you just keep driving trying to find where you belong...."-3 Doors Down
Sissified Tweety Bird-Nov 05,07
Sure I am a girl & I'm not suppose to have those "oh so gutsy" things called "balls".
Oie vay.
it sure wouldn't hurt to have those bad boys hangin' around from time to time....
... my heap of chit is never ending.
No matter how much I scoop the poop, it just keeps on coming right back.
like poop on wheels I tell ya,
... turbo charged, nitrous injected wheels.
dammut.
Im such a sissy.
better drink more ovaltine & take my Flintstones
mmm...richy, chocolaty ovaltine...... not a bad fix, being a sissy can have it's perks I suppose.
bone-apa-tit.
Oie vay.
it sure wouldn't hurt to have those bad boys hangin' around from time to time....
... my heap of chit is never ending.
No matter how much I scoop the poop, it just keeps on coming right back.
like poop on wheels I tell ya,
... turbo charged, nitrous injected wheels.
dammut.
Im such a sissy.
better drink more ovaltine & take my Flintstones
mmm...richy, chocolaty ovaltine...... not a bad fix, being a sissy can have it's perks I suppose.
bone-apa-tit.
A Part of Me has Died.-Oct 22,07
On a whim of Spontaneity I tried my old Navy uniforms on tonight. My dress whites, working blues... Dress Blues.. everything I had kept neatly tucked away in a closet since that fateful Oct morning when I returned to civilian existence.
The truth of it all stung like a million bee stings, the truth of a dream fallen short. I fought back tears of reality as I sat there, eyes fixed on the reflection in the mirror.
Nostalgia hit like a freight train, quick, sudden & hard.
Why did it have to happen this way?
Why do I feel as if my purpose ceased to exist when my Naval career did?
I'm stuck in a past I can't escape. Stuck on a mistake poorly made, stuck on selling myself short.
Although things happen for a reason & I am thankful to be with my family again & to have met those in my life now, I can't help but think of the "what if's". I can't help the fact that I would give anything to be back in.
It was my calling. my purpose. my way of life.
Why was I so blind not to see I had it all in front of me?
As I hung my uniform bag back into the closet, a part of me died. A part that was hopelessly hanging on, hopelessly longing to return to a place I left so long ago.
The truth of it all stung like a million bee stings, the truth of a dream fallen short. I fought back tears of reality as I sat there, eyes fixed on the reflection in the mirror.
Nostalgia hit like a freight train, quick, sudden & hard.
Why did it have to happen this way?
Why do I feel as if my purpose ceased to exist when my Naval career did?
I'm stuck in a past I can't escape. Stuck on a mistake poorly made, stuck on selling myself short.
Although things happen for a reason & I am thankful to be with my family again & to have met those in my life now, I can't help but think of the "what if's". I can't help the fact that I would give anything to be back in.
It was my calling. my purpose. my way of life.
Why was I so blind not to see I had it all in front of me?
As I hung my uniform bag back into the closet, a part of me died. A part that was hopelessly hanging on, hopelessly longing to return to a place I left so long ago.
Wildest Dreams.-Oct 18,07
"Late at night, and you're sleeping
You'll hear my lonesome call,
And you'll feel my waiting lips
barely touching you at all
But it's only as real
As any dream can seem,
I'll see you
in your wildest dreams..."
You'll hear my lonesome call,
And you'll feel my waiting lips
barely touching you at all
But it's only as real
As any dream can seem,
I'll see you
in your wildest dreams..."
-Rev Horton Heat
Silence Broken. -Oct 16,07
"I'm not supposed to be scared of anything but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (How I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb..."
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (How I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb..."
-3 Doors Down
Where am I to go? Who am I to turn to when for years my thoughts have gone unspoken, unexpressed in silent oppression..
For years I have been the hand to help, the shoulder to lean on, the quite listener, sitting, waiting, so caught up in helping everyone else's problems that I pushed mine aside.
Pushing, Pushing, piling, pushing.
Piling to the point of overflow. Crashing down like the Berlin wall, keeping everything out.. only to let it all back in.
Now I sit, dumbfounded and numb. Not really caring what people's nay saying opinions are, I have my life. You have yours. We all have problems, some talk, some don't.
I never spoke a word, now my words are speaking for me. Never was I pessimistic, never was I in doubt.
Now I am.
Now I am as blind as the hand that leads me.
Confused, frustrated, exhausted.
Good things come to those that wait, I'm trying so hard & being so patient, yet all that comes, comes with problems.
Dilemma upon dilemma.
I'm running out of faith, pushing a cart with square wheels up a hill that never ends...
Why Do I Wish...-Oct 08,07
...for someone to come along & set me free?
Why do I love being single when this lonliness won't let me be?
sitting on a whim, or is just me....
the truth burns like a lemon, this bitter sweet destiny...
Why do I love being single when this lonliness won't let me be?
sitting on a whim, or is just me....
the truth burns like a lemon, this bitter sweet destiny...
Reaching. -Sep 27,07
Trying so hard-
pushing & pulling
gone unnoticed
myself I am fooling,
sincere & honest-
wanting so much more,
as soon as I am up-
I am pushed to the floor,
Stress consuming-
worn weak and thin
no real direction-
no where to begin,
reaching out-
please take my hand
hold tightly, I'm longing to stand,
show me the way-
lead me to light,
if the darkness is lifted
my wings can take flight
a world lies behind a smile broken
revealed through eyes-
words unspoken
Forever will I laugh, Forever will I smile
tis' a simple disguise for a soul in denile.
pushing & pulling
gone unnoticed
myself I am fooling,
sincere & honest-
wanting so much more,
as soon as I am up-
I am pushed to the floor,
Stress consuming-
worn weak and thin
no real direction-
no where to begin,
reaching out-
please take my hand
hold tightly, I'm longing to stand,
show me the way-
lead me to light,
if the darkness is lifted
my wings can take flight
a world lies behind a smile broken
revealed through eyes-
words unspoken
Forever will I laugh, Forever will I smile
tis' a simple disguise for a soul in denile.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Nickels & Dimes.-Sep 18,07
"...With everything in the pastFading faster and faster until it was goneFound out I was losing so much more than I knew all alongBecause everything I've been working forWas only worth nickels and dimesBut if I had a minute for every hour that I've wastedI'd be rich in time, I'd be doing fine..."
-Jack Johnson
-Jack Johnson
Think Again.-Sep 05,07
***Before reading this, and I assume that there may be some this may be offensive to, keep in mind that when someone writes it usually spawned by an intense feeling, emotion, or problem that is happening at that time.***
Sure I'm thankful you helped her but don't think for one second I dont hear you speaking under your breathe as you walk away.
How petty.
Who cares if you have to buy your step son a new car for his sweet sixteen, or pay your step daughters way through college? or buy your stupid, fake little wife all the glitz & glam in the world to keep her happy?
TAKE A REAL GOOD LOOK DAD.
Look at what's standing there on the sidelines waiting, watching, & wanting you to be there. Look at what you've decided to SACRIFICE.
and for what?
some fabricated, superficial marriage filled with lies? I hope you're happy. I hope your happy knowing you will NEVER know the lives you created. You will never know the beautiful, amazing women we've become.
We've got each other, We've got LOVE. We have all the things in the world that you've over looked.
So while you're sitting at home with your fake, emotionless family I hope you realize that cold home could be filled with more love than you will ever feel.
I love you Father, so much that no one in this lifetime will ever come close, but you will never know this.
You will never look. Sad isnt it?
Sure I'm thankful you helped her but don't think for one second I dont hear you speaking under your breathe as you walk away.
How petty.
Who cares if you have to buy your step son a new car for his sweet sixteen, or pay your step daughters way through college? or buy your stupid, fake little wife all the glitz & glam in the world to keep her happy?
TAKE A REAL GOOD LOOK DAD.
Look at what's standing there on the sidelines waiting, watching, & wanting you to be there. Look at what you've decided to SACRIFICE.
and for what?
some fabricated, superficial marriage filled with lies? I hope you're happy. I hope your happy knowing you will NEVER know the lives you created. You will never know the beautiful, amazing women we've become.
We've got each other, We've got LOVE. We have all the things in the world that you've over looked.
So while you're sitting at home with your fake, emotionless family I hope you realize that cold home could be filled with more love than you will ever feel.
I love you Father, so much that no one in this lifetime will ever come close, but you will never know this.
You will never look. Sad isnt it?
Ramble Bamble. Hubba Baloo.-Aug 23,07
Say how you feel. Say it & mean it. easier said than done right?
I'm not one to speak my mind when it comes to the "E" word. But I sure as hell will tell you what's on it otherwise. It's easier for me to speak freely through writing probably knowing that some may read this while usually the ones it's about don't ever flinch.
good.
Because at least it's off my chest & you had the choice to take it or leave it. Don't ever expect me to just up & speak of it after the fact though. good luck with that one. Like prying steal doors to the bank. You really think you'll get in there without a fight? hah.
Yes Im stubborn. I'm a Taurus, what were you expecting a fluffy goat?
Most of the time I don't make sense. It does to me although it may seem like nothing more than chicken scratch to you. I assure you it has it's purpose.....
Now I forget where I was going with this. Hells bells. Sometimes tangents become intangible.
Screw it.
I'm not one to speak my mind when it comes to the "E" word. But I sure as hell will tell you what's on it otherwise. It's easier for me to speak freely through writing probably knowing that some may read this while usually the ones it's about don't ever flinch.
good.
Because at least it's off my chest & you had the choice to take it or leave it. Don't ever expect me to just up & speak of it after the fact though. good luck with that one. Like prying steal doors to the bank. You really think you'll get in there without a fight? hah.
Yes Im stubborn. I'm a Taurus, what were you expecting a fluffy goat?
Most of the time I don't make sense. It does to me although it may seem like nothing more than chicken scratch to you. I assure you it has it's purpose.....
Now I forget where I was going with this. Hells bells. Sometimes tangents become intangible.
Screw it.
Blunder. Aug 16,07
Blundered-
bothered-
down to the bottom line,
worn thin
motivation benign
Life comes together then quickly falls apart
just another statistic on some naysayers chart
where to go?
what am I to do?
I love my job, yet it's leaving me screwed
spinning circles-
patience crashed,
struggling minds-
confidence bashed
Pick a direction, pick it fast
This current course will never last...
bothered-
down to the bottom line,
worn thin
motivation benign
Life comes together then quickly falls apart
just another statistic on some naysayers chart
where to go?
what am I to do?
I love my job, yet it's leaving me screwed
spinning circles-
patience crashed,
struggling minds-
confidence bashed
Pick a direction, pick it fast
This current course will never last...
Searching. Aug 08,07
"All my life I've been searching for somethingSomething never comes never leads to nothingNothing satisfies but I'm getting closeCloser to the prize at the end of the rope...." -Foo Fighters
Jaded. Aug 07,07
Forever is such a hokey word. Everything fades with time, nothing last forever.
Im jaded.
jaded with life,
jaded with myself.
My heart wants to let go, love unconditionally, find true, trusting happiness with someone else. yet my mind is colder, harder & thicker than the walls that surround me.
Im stuck in the monotony of living a life in the shadows of the past. Im hitting rock bottom with no air to swim up.
Im jaded.
jaded with life,
jaded with myself.
My heart wants to let go, love unconditionally, find true, trusting happiness with someone else. yet my mind is colder, harder & thicker than the walls that surround me.
Im stuck in the monotony of living a life in the shadows of the past. Im hitting rock bottom with no air to swim up.
Dust the Wha...?-Jul 29,07
According to the Urban Dictionary....
Crop Dusting (v.):
Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailent must suffer it.
Example:"The restaurant's so busy tonight that you can get away with crop dusting your own section"
When crop dusting does NOT work:1. on a treadmill (no matter how fast you walk or run)
2. with a strong tail wind
3. with a turnaround - for example, you crop dust while walking with your girlfriend, then she turns around and walks back to look at a display in a storefront window.
----------------------------------------------------
Today I learned of this so called "Crop Dusting" thanks to Johnny Boi. Im still laughing about it, learn something new everyday.
Good thing I didnt get a hands on demo. I will travel armed and prepared from this day foward. Febreeze & all.
You Crop Dust my arse yours will be Crop Busted. haha.
Crop Dusting (v.):
Passing gas in a stealth manor, usually while walking through a crowd or a group, so that someone else gets blamed for the stench, or at the very least people besides the assailent must suffer it.
Example:"The restaurant's so busy tonight that you can get away with crop dusting your own section"
When crop dusting does NOT work:1. on a treadmill (no matter how fast you walk or run)
2. with a strong tail wind
3. with a turnaround - for example, you crop dust while walking with your girlfriend, then she turns around and walks back to look at a display in a storefront window.
----------------------------------------------------
Today I learned of this so called "Crop Dusting" thanks to Johnny Boi. Im still laughing about it, learn something new everyday.
Good thing I didnt get a hands on demo. I will travel armed and prepared from this day foward. Febreeze & all.
You Crop Dust my arse yours will be Crop Busted. haha.
Stupid HooHah.-Jul 24,07
damn you cat, quit rubbing your hoohah all over me, Im not a dude, I have no cat weanie. leave me be & let me sleep!!!
Stupid cats in heat. Someone pass me a cork.
Stupid cats in heat. Someone pass me a cork.
Shallow.-Jul 21,07
You are everything Ive wanted,
you have it all inside
Yet my shallowness I cannot sit aside
I wish you would have been different
taken some care
For your physical health i wish you had been more aware
My heart wants to love
My eyes want to stop
My passion burns deep
Until the clothes drop
Stuck in a battle
Not knowing what to do
Should I walk away?
or Should I walk beside you?
you have it all inside
Yet my shallowness I cannot sit aside
I wish you would have been different
taken some care
For your physical health i wish you had been more aware
My heart wants to love
My eyes want to stop
My passion burns deep
Until the clothes drop
Stuck in a battle
Not knowing what to do
Should I walk away?
or Should I walk beside you?
Blasphamy!- Jul 17, 07
Like a cripple fending to walk again I sit here fending for sleep.. despite my many many attempts to lay down and close my eyes, my mind stirrs...
There's so many thoughts weaving in & out.. in & out..... like a revolving door..
why can't I just nail the thing shut for one freakin night. All I want is peace is that so much to ask?
I know, maybe if I just play Simon Says and tell them to STOP!! they will freeze right where they are until Im good & ready to pick them out for some rainy day pondering...
... if only it was that easy, a busy mind can make one stray jacket worthy no? I feel as if I should be tangled and hog tied...left to do nothing more than drool on myself...
STOP! STOP!STOP!!
Stop thinking, stop being, stop keeping me from my precious slumber.
thieving mind why must you steal my peace?!!
Where are those darn sheep when you need them or that brimming bottle of NyQuil??
There's so many thoughts weaving in & out.. in & out..... like a revolving door..
why can't I just nail the thing shut for one freakin night. All I want is peace is that so much to ask?
I know, maybe if I just play Simon Says and tell them to STOP!! they will freeze right where they are until Im good & ready to pick them out for some rainy day pondering...
... if only it was that easy, a busy mind can make one stray jacket worthy no? I feel as if I should be tangled and hog tied...left to do nothing more than drool on myself...
STOP! STOP!STOP!!
Stop thinking, stop being, stop keeping me from my precious slumber.
thieving mind why must you steal my peace?!!
Where are those darn sheep when you need them or that brimming bottle of NyQuil??
Bubbles. Jul 01,07
Sitting back I take a long deep breath of the still air around me, hold it & release.
Where did I go wrong?
Why am I here & not there?
"You are in charge of your own fate" I tell myself, "It's your own damn fault."
Memories begin to fill my mind like tiny bubbles floating around, fragments of faces, feelings, thoughts... nostalgia of the thousands of days behind me.
Where did I go wrong?
Why am I here & not there?
"You are in charge of your own fate" I tell myself, "It's your own damn fault."
Memories begin to fill my mind like tiny bubbles floating around, fragments of faces, feelings, thoughts... nostalgia of the thousands of days behind me.
Unto You. -Jun 26,07
Lost in a whirlwind
Not knowing how to feel
Stuck in a rut
with an "I'll love you & leave you" speal
Do unto others as others have done unto you
I can't help repeating the shit you put me through
pain is pleasure
pleasure is pain
it's these realizations that have driven me insane...
Not knowing how to feel
Stuck in a rut
with an "I'll love you & leave you" speal
Do unto others as others have done unto you
I can't help repeating the shit you put me through
pain is pleasure
pleasure is pain
it's these realizations that have driven me insane...
Sacrifice. -Jun 17,07
Look at me Dad, I'm one of your own. Told how much I look like you through all these years I've grown. My one goal, my one un-dying dream.. to know the man I call my father.. a perfect stranger though it seems. I've wanted nothing more than to feel loved, feel wanted, feel your support. Yet I feel those feelings died the day my mother took you to court. No money in this world is worth losing you dad, to have you in my life I would gladly give up everything I've had. I wish you felt the same, I wish that you could see, a love from some woman is not worth the sacrifice of me.....
Pinto Beans, Jumper Cables & off she Goes!-Jun 03,07
Sometimes we all need that Joe Shmoe to come along with jumpers in hand to jump start our broken down pintos.
Shake off the rust, rev it up & of she's goooooooooes!
Purrs like a kitten...
alteast until the next redlight. hah.
My pinto was broken, blended in with a normal society & normal ways. But only until I saw that bright Candy Red Mustang wizz past in the fast lane.
Damn.
Where that Mustang is, where's it's going...heck that's where I wanted & want to be. Screw this mozie lane, leave it to the faint hearted old farts.
Step on the gas... open this puppy W I D E U P!!
I was jump started back to my gung ho ways,
watch out.
I'm moving back into the fast lane now
...bitch.
Shake off the rust, rev it up & of she's goooooooooes!
Purrs like a kitten...
alteast until the next redlight. hah.
My pinto was broken, blended in with a normal society & normal ways. But only until I saw that bright Candy Red Mustang wizz past in the fast lane.
Damn.
Where that Mustang is, where's it's going...heck that's where I wanted & want to be. Screw this mozie lane, leave it to the faint hearted old farts.
Step on the gas... open this puppy W I D E U P!!
I was jump started back to my gung ho ways,
watch out.
I'm moving back into the fast lane now
...bitch.
You Looked better on Myspace.- May 29,07
Back to reality??
I think I'll pass on that one. Who wouldn't? haha.
What a weekend,
found out what happens to people who wounder down dirt hilly billy roads & stop to ask for directions, discovered the true meaning of a 20 point truck turn, That you REALLY do look better on Myspace & 300 dollar Versaces prove to be quite buoyant.
I think I'll pass on that one. Who wouldn't? haha.
What a weekend,
found out what happens to people who wounder down dirt hilly billy roads & stop to ask for directions, discovered the true meaning of a 20 point truck turn, That you REALLY do look better on Myspace & 300 dollar Versaces prove to be quite buoyant.
Murky Waters. May 20,07
"I told myself I won't miss you
but I remember what it feels like beside you...."
I am a hypocrite for saying "you can never heal if you never put down the knife that cuts you" because I myself, never put down mine from years ago. Its still there, cutting into my palms day in, day out.. a constant reminder of a time HE was still there. HE still cared, HE told me HE loved me & always would.
What a Lie.
Like a song stuck on replay it fades in & out. Just when I thought I would forget the tune gets louder & some fragment of thought reminds me.
I took a trip to the lake yesterday, the first time without HIM, the first time since those days..years ago. Despite the clear skies & the warm wind in my face it felt like a hole had been ripped inside me again. Ripping and tearing the entire day, I fought back the tears and any indications to my family that I was hurting.
A hurt so bad I couldn't breathe.
I thought you were gone? I thought I had moved way way beyond you.
I thought wrong.
So many questions rushed through my mind.
Do you think of me at all?
Does the clear skies and the warm wind remind you of our days together?
or was I just a past time for you.. a mere passer by?
I suppose I will never know....
but I remember what it feels like beside you...."
I am a hypocrite for saying "you can never heal if you never put down the knife that cuts you" because I myself, never put down mine from years ago. Its still there, cutting into my palms day in, day out.. a constant reminder of a time HE was still there. HE still cared, HE told me HE loved me & always would.
What a Lie.
Like a song stuck on replay it fades in & out. Just when I thought I would forget the tune gets louder & some fragment of thought reminds me.
I took a trip to the lake yesterday, the first time without HIM, the first time since those days..years ago. Despite the clear skies & the warm wind in my face it felt like a hole had been ripped inside me again. Ripping and tearing the entire day, I fought back the tears and any indications to my family that I was hurting.
A hurt so bad I couldn't breathe.
I thought you were gone? I thought I had moved way way beyond you.
I thought wrong.
So many questions rushed through my mind.
Do you think of me at all?
Does the clear skies and the warm wind remind you of our days together?
or was I just a past time for you.. a mere passer by?
I suppose I will never know....
ButterFinger.-May 14,07
I placed the film in the nappy bowels of her mouth, careful not to upset her already angry neglected teeth. Like always, I followed the same old ruitine, " bite down" I told her, expecting the norm of a slowly closing mouth.
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-CHOMP!!!
Her mouth snapped shut like a starving parona grazing my fleeing finger by the knuckle.
"Does my finger LOOK like food to you??"
I had to bite my tounge to keep from screaming at this SOFA KING of a lady. What the crap, really??
I collected myself & nicely asked her to open again, since my film had been turned into lunch meat, I quickly switched it out with a new un-mangled one and told her to to SLOWLY close down this time, & emphazied the SLOWLY.
I meant business now.
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-CHOMP!
... okay, now I'm alittle pissed.
"Could you PLEASE not bite me or the film, I NEED both of those to do my job lady"...
... After a few more close calls I finally threw down the towel. No where in my job description did it say I had to battle a hungry hippo.
Fuck it. Looks like Sumbody had the case of the Mundays....
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-CHOMP!!!
Her mouth snapped shut like a starving parona grazing my fleeing finger by the knuckle.
"Does my finger LOOK like food to you??"
I had to bite my tounge to keep from screaming at this SOFA KING of a lady. What the crap, really??
I collected myself & nicely asked her to open again, since my film had been turned into lunch meat, I quickly switched it out with a new un-mangled one and told her to to SLOWLY close down this time, & emphazied the SLOWLY.
I meant business now.
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-CHOMP!
... okay, now I'm alittle pissed.
"Could you PLEASE not bite me or the film, I NEED both of those to do my job lady"...
... After a few more close calls I finally threw down the towel. No where in my job description did it say I had to battle a hungry hippo.
Fuck it. Looks like Sumbody had the case of the Mundays....
Toad It.-May 14,07
"Toad the Wet Sprocket, wasn't that band or something?"
"Yup, what the heck does that mean though?"
"What? Toad the Wet Sprocket? Well, I know what a Wet Sprocket is..."
"What??"
"well it must be a sprocket that is wet, so that means toad must be a verb!!!"
"How the crap do you "Toad" something?"
"Fuck if I know..."
.... haha. Gotta love those silly analazing moments...
Cav cracks me up!! (& now refuses to speak of Toads & Sprockets due to my little "blog moment" hahahha) I can just hear it now "Oh stop it!"
"Yup, what the heck does that mean though?"
"What? Toad the Wet Sprocket? Well, I know what a Wet Sprocket is..."
"What??"
"well it must be a sprocket that is wet, so that means toad must be a verb!!!"
"How the crap do you "Toad" something?"
"Fuck if I know..."
.... haha. Gotta love those silly analazing moments...
Cav cracks me up!! (& now refuses to speak of Toads & Sprockets due to my little "blog moment" hahahha) I can just hear it now "Oh stop it!"
Take the Time. -May 11,07
Here's a little poem I wrote to HONOR all of the Sailors, Soldiers, & Marines of this great nation. Past, Present & Future. It's infused with a bit of my own experiences serving. I was blessed to experience what I did & work side by side with some amazing, strong men & women.
Thank You, You guys really are what makes this country so strong, you made the ultimate sacrifices so that your families, friends, & fellow citizens could live life safe & free.
________________________________________________
Where were you June 2004?
While I swore to defend the Flag I stood before
Where were you in the month of May?
While I longed for my family in the bed I lay
Where were you on the hot 4th of July?
As the sound of our National Anthem made me cry
Why you were here, or maybe there
Safe at home & unaware
That there are some who gave up all,
who are willing to fight
& willing to fall
for this great nation & all it's land
for it's people -these soldiers walk hand in hand
to depths of the unknown, through the depths of the sea
They gave up freedom for you & me
So take to the time to give them thought
These brave men & women who cannot be sold & will never be bought
defending our freedom, defending our rights
So with great passion I say "Thank You! and "Fight ,boys, Fight!"
Thank You, You guys really are what makes this country so strong, you made the ultimate sacrifices so that your families, friends, & fellow citizens could live life safe & free.
________________________________________________
Where were you June 2004?
While I swore to defend the Flag I stood before
Where were you in the month of May?
While I longed for my family in the bed I lay
Where were you on the hot 4th of July?
As the sound of our National Anthem made me cry
Why you were here, or maybe there
Safe at home & unaware
That there are some who gave up all,
who are willing to fight
& willing to fall
for this great nation & all it's land
for it's people -these soldiers walk hand in hand
to depths of the unknown, through the depths of the sea
They gave up freedom for you & me
So take to the time to give them thought
These brave men & women who cannot be sold & will never be bought
defending our freedom, defending our rights
So with great passion I say "Thank You! and "Fight ,boys, Fight!"
Effn Clouds. May 9,07
What a week.
Monday my brand new phone fell pray to the ruthless porcelain king & now my car looks like it was attacked by an angry banshee.
I guess cloud nine is meant only to gaze at in awe & never to sit on. It's Nothing more than a mere tease, allowing us to sit our worn down bottoms upon its pretty little fluffs only to let us pass right through & straight back down.
KEEERRRRRR-EFFN-THHHHHUUUUNNNNNNKKKK!
Serves us right for trying to sit on a precipitated cluster fuck huh?
hah. Life has an ironic humor about it, I'm sure I will laugh at this bizarre week one day down the line....
Monday my brand new phone fell pray to the ruthless porcelain king & now my car looks like it was attacked by an angry banshee.
I guess cloud nine is meant only to gaze at in awe & never to sit on. It's Nothing more than a mere tease, allowing us to sit our worn down bottoms upon its pretty little fluffs only to let us pass right through & straight back down.
KEEERRRRRR-EFFN-THHHHHUUUUNNNNNNKKKK!
Serves us right for trying to sit on a precipitated cluster fuck huh?
hah. Life has an ironic humor about it, I'm sure I will laugh at this bizarre week one day down the line....
Hot Air Balloon- May 03,07
Questions with no answers
So far out of reach
Feelings & emotions,
my lust does breach
What If's & Where to???I would go in that direction If the answer I knew!
But instead I go in circles-
Like a babbling bafoon
Filled up with confusion like a hot air balloon
Oh where is that needle??
Im bursting to pop!
Im ready to settle
cut off the air and drop
Reality is where the answers are
Someone bring me back down before I travel too far!!
Im holding out the harpoon, aim up and shoot
For this confusion is Killing me, and definately to BOOT!
So far out of reach
Feelings & emotions,
my lust does breach
What If's & Where to???I would go in that direction If the answer I knew!
But instead I go in circles-
Like a babbling bafoon
Filled up with confusion like a hot air balloon
Oh where is that needle??
Im bursting to pop!
Im ready to settle
cut off the air and drop
Reality is where the answers are
Someone bring me back down before I travel too far!!
Im holding out the harpoon, aim up and shoot
For this confusion is Killing me, and definately to BOOT!
... work bordom brings mindless creativity no? haha.
A Smile. -May 02,07
Carried away with the meaningless, petty little things
& all the frustrations & temptations it brings
Caught up in confusion,
tangled in true lies
Endless restless nights,
the tears & the sighs
No more shall I weap,
get discouraged & upset
No more shall I ponder on what if's & regret
Warm is the smile I carry on my face
for the hurt & the pain it does well to replace!!!
& all the frustrations & temptations it brings
Caught up in confusion,
tangled in true lies
Endless restless nights,
the tears & the sighs
No more shall I weap,
get discouraged & upset
No more shall I ponder on what if's & regret
Warm is the smile I carry on my face
for the hurt & the pain it does well to replace!!!
I walk the Line-Apr 19,07
Why do you insist on calling???
knowing damn well I should be asleep,
Im already lost in disillusion trying to count these frickkin sheep..
Spare me the begging, the deceit, and harsh lies
Haven't you figured out I see straight through your cheap disguise?
Hold your tounge,
Dont waste your petty breathe-
I've told you before that I'm done,
dried up with nothing left..
So freeing was the feeling as I shut my weary phone
It's time for overdue silence-
It's time to walk this line ALONE.
knowing damn well I should be asleep,
Im already lost in disillusion trying to count these frickkin sheep..
Spare me the begging, the deceit, and harsh lies
Haven't you figured out I see straight through your cheap disguise?
Hold your tounge,
Dont waste your petty breathe-
I've told you before that I'm done,
dried up with nothing left..
So freeing was the feeling as I shut my weary phone
It's time for overdue silence-
It's time to walk this line ALONE.
Pitter Patter, FIzzle Dizzle-Apr 18,07
I sit as still & quiet as the darkened night around me. Restless & worn by a long day's beating.. what quarrels are keeping me from my slumber? what little pesky thought refuses to settle in the back of my mind??
Ah but if only the sheep would face their challange and jump the fence that keeps them from my counting...
1.....
2...
3 ... & it fizzles like an 89 pinto. I rev it! Yet it refuses to start... pitter patter. .. thunka dunk...
fuck it, where's the niquil??
A girl takes what she can get no?
Ah but if only the sheep would face their challange and jump the fence that keeps them from my counting...
1.....
2...
3 ... & it fizzles like an 89 pinto. I rev it! Yet it refuses to start... pitter patter. .. thunka dunk...
fuck it, where's the niquil??
A girl takes what she can get no?
Weaping Willow-Apr 16,07
I thought I was okay with you not being there, yet I fear my heart is saying something leaving my thoughts un-aware.
How could this be?? my grip I let go.. my emotions are at a stand still my feelings as cold as fallen snow.
The sun has risen, it warmed my heart..filled a void in a hole where you ripped it apart. Yet something is missing I can not quite tell, If I can find what's left I might find my diginity as well.
Pick up my feet, carry on I must..
dry my swollen eyes & shake off this settled dust..
This se-saw must stop tetter tottering my heart. I'm done! I'm done! For such petty things I am way too smart..
Known better have I to waste such precious time, as here I sit weaping & wallowing in ryhmn....
How could this be?? my grip I let go.. my emotions are at a stand still my feelings as cold as fallen snow.
The sun has risen, it warmed my heart..filled a void in a hole where you ripped it apart. Yet something is missing I can not quite tell, If I can find what's left I might find my diginity as well.
Pick up my feet, carry on I must..
dry my swollen eyes & shake off this settled dust..
This se-saw must stop tetter tottering my heart. I'm done! I'm done! For such petty things I am way too smart..
Known better have I to waste such precious time, as here I sit weaping & wallowing in ryhmn....
Hope-Apr 15,07
What is Hope? ...Wishful thinking? ...Foolish Thoughts? A Scapegoat from reality??? The fact we refuse to except the inevitable??
It's that raggid, worn out blanket we clutch during a storm thinking it will keep us safe from the ragging thunder around us. It's just a safe haven from those harsh realities we refuse to except.
What was I thinking to Hope once someone has left they will ever return??? What was I thinking to Hope a broken heart could be mended, shallow words could be burried and a fallen love rekindled???
Foolish was I. Foolish was a plan poorly thought out, impulsive non the less.
You will never change, How could you? People can change their ways yes, but the very essence of who they are? I think not. You will always be broken, just as you were left, you will never heal if you never dropped the knife that cuts you.
I once saw it worth saving, now I see it's just as old and worn as the rest of the junk in that dusty box, it's where it needed to be and it's where it will stay...
I am moving on, my life is going on...without you. Without this hurt, this pain and this guilt I have carried, that all stays in the box with you...with all those broken mistakes.
I'm Done.
It's that raggid, worn out blanket we clutch during a storm thinking it will keep us safe from the ragging thunder around us. It's just a safe haven from those harsh realities we refuse to except.
What was I thinking to Hope once someone has left they will ever return??? What was I thinking to Hope a broken heart could be mended, shallow words could be burried and a fallen love rekindled???
Foolish was I. Foolish was a plan poorly thought out, impulsive non the less.
You will never change, How could you? People can change their ways yes, but the very essence of who they are? I think not. You will always be broken, just as you were left, you will never heal if you never dropped the knife that cuts you.
I once saw it worth saving, now I see it's just as old and worn as the rest of the junk in that dusty box, it's where it needed to be and it's where it will stay...
I am moving on, my life is going on...without you. Without this hurt, this pain and this guilt I have carried, that all stays in the box with you...with all those broken mistakes.
I'm Done.
Clustered-Apr 03,07
I need space, room to breath, stretch my legs, think. I need somewhere I can go, somewhere that's mine, somewhere far, far away from here.
I need a hiatus. can next week not come fast enough?
I need a hiatus. can next week not come fast enough?
Spinning Circles-Mar 29, 07
There's an unspoken connection between you and I that I suppose only I could see. Or perhaps it's just wishful thinking on my part.
Silly, silly me!!!
Always so wishful! always wanting what I can't have which always leads me to forgetting I ever wanted anything with anyone at all.
Bitter? No.
Jaded? Maybe.
My heart is too big to push aside, to sit on a shelf collecting dust with the other things left behind & forgotten. I have tried and am doing so now, but doing this would be someone I am not.
Oie Vay, my head hurts and there's a looming fear that I have said way too much.....
Silly, silly me!!!
Always so wishful! always wanting what I can't have which always leads me to forgetting I ever wanted anything with anyone at all.
Bitter? No.
Jaded? Maybe.
My heart is too big to push aside, to sit on a shelf collecting dust with the other things left behind & forgotten. I have tried and am doing so now, but doing this would be someone I am not.
Oie Vay, my head hurts and there's a looming fear that I have said way too much.....
"Oie Vay" Mar 27,07
Ususally I awake in the morning with excitment, with anthusiasim for a new day, another experience, passion fueled by eagerness to get to work.
But today, it's different.. I'm left with the remanence of fragmented thoughts from yesturday.
Being criticized for someone else's foul mood. Constantly ridicueled like a kindergarden kid who couldn't color in the lines....
For once, Im not looking foward to going to work, I'm not feeling the overwheleming passion... Ah but perhaps that's life. It happens.
Suck it up. Man up & Move out.
(& yes I know I lack the skills of a sophisticated speller....I can get my thoughts across without accuracy can't I? haha.)
But today, it's different.. I'm left with the remanence of fragmented thoughts from yesturday.
Being criticized for someone else's foul mood. Constantly ridicueled like a kindergarden kid who couldn't color in the lines....
For once, Im not looking foward to going to work, I'm not feeling the overwheleming passion... Ah but perhaps that's life. It happens.
Suck it up. Man up & Move out.
(& yes I know I lack the skills of a sophisticated speller....I can get my thoughts across without accuracy can't I? haha.)
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